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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, August 07, 2022
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13 Questions I have for Fresh Market Foods

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
  1. Why are your bananas always green and avocados always brown? They’re literally in the same section. At least put them on different ends of the grocery store to distract patrons.
  2. Why do you have a whole refrigerated area JUST for hummus? That’s super weird.
  3. Why are your lines either extremely long or very short?
  4. Why are you the only grocery store near campus? Yes, I know there’s Trader Joe's but I prefer to limit my journeys past Camp Randall to game days only.
                                                                                                                                                                   (I do not know if #4 is in your control Becky, but I blame you.)
  5. Why are your baby carrots so slimy?
  6. Why do your workers seem unhappy and overworked?
  7. Could you please put in bathrooms? A trip to Fresh can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours.
  8. Why does your hot food look kind of gross but actually isn’t bad at all?
  9. Since when do you have a deli section?
  10. Why don’t you sell hard alcohol?
  11. Why do you never have 2-liter Fresca? We need a good chaser Fresh!
  12. Why is it so peaceful in the morning but literally the worst place to be at 4:00-5:00 pm?
  13. Why do I hate you so much?

I’m excited to see where our tumultuous relationship takes us, Fresh Market Foods. Unfortunately, I still need you. Because you’re the only grocery store within three goddamn miles!

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