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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, September 22, 2023

Norm MacDonald welcomed to Heaven, immediately sent to Hell

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The comedy world was saddened on Sept. 14 to learn of the passing of stand-up and Saturday Night Live great Norm MacDonald following his battle with cancer. However, family, friends and fans can rest assured that MacDonald has already settled into the afterlife.

Following a welcome orientation, Heaven’s new inhabitants were reportedly invited to ask God any question they wanted. Despite being an all-knowing being, the Lord failed to remember that it’s never a good idea to give MacDonald free reign.

“Alright, tell me this — the Immaculate Conception,” began MacDonald. “The Bible says that an angel visited Mary and told her that she would carry and give birth to Jesus Christ, ya know, a gift from God. Given that God and Jesus are the same being, this leaves us with two options. Number one — the story was made up and the Holy Mother lied to Joseph and cheated on him with some other dirty carpenter. Alternatively, number two, Mary got impregnated by her own son. So here’s the question — was Mary into incest, or just a garden variety lying whore?” 

God, being caught off guard for the first time since around 30 A.D., stammered for a moment before telling Norm to “go to Hell.” Despite being known for choosing to actively disobey commands, the comedian agreed, stating that “Carlin and Pryor are probably down there making s’mores with Satan anyway.” 

As of the last update, it is believed that MacDonald has not yet caused much trouble in his new home, causing the notoriously fiery landscape to freeze over.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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