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Saturday, September 18, 2021
Chancellor Rebecca Blank has been appointed to the NCAA Board of Governors.

Chancellor Rebecca Blank has been appointed to the NCAA Board of Governors.

Pro-vaxx UW-Madison Chancellor Strikes Again

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

 

During the 2021 spring semester, Chancellor Rebecca Blank promised physical consequences for students who refused to get tested within the strict guidelines of safer badgers. Now she’s back and more pissed off than ever about students refusing the vaccine, and she’s promising gruesome repercussions. 

With classes starting in under three weeks and the dangerous Delta variant wreaking havoc over Madison, the chancellor is stressing that it is more important than ever to go and get the vaccine, which is available through University Health Services, to protect fellow students and the surrounding city.

Certain assholes — some in red hats, some STEM students who think they know more than the leading scientists in the world and some skeptics — have made the task of making the (tested and effective) vaccine rollout nearly impossible. Blank is promising to take matters into her own hands yet again with her new plan.

While students have offered less extreme options, such as Cardinal Sports writer Joe Rickles, who proposed placing football ticket holds on unvaccinated students, Rebecca has officially “had it up to here.”

Her reign of terror will be similar to that of testing, such as coming to your house to beat the shit out of you after looking at your vaccination record and seeing N/A next to COVID-19. But she also promises new tactics, such as coming to classes dressed as a TA secretly donning a needle with a dose of Pfizer loaded inside … waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

“I am so sick of these stupid little shits. If you don’t want to be unwillingly impaled by a needle, maybe use your brain,” said the chancellor on record.

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