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Tuesday, April 20, 2021
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UW-Madison sees annual spike in 'post weekend denial'

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

As the weather becomes more pleasant and COVID-19 vaccinations continue to rollout, a surge in weekend festivities can be seen throughout Madison, Wisconsin. Naturally, these festivities include heavy substance abuse in true Wisconsin-fashion. This annual springtime trend can be seen in places such as the “Mifflin Slums,” where the melting snow is steadily replaced with debris from white plastic tables and crushed Natty Ice cans. 

Although there are many psychological complications directly resulting from our citywide degeneracy, perhaps the most common disorder is referred to as “post weekend denial.” This disorder occurs when an individual is convinced that they will never party again; typically after a long weekend of binge drinking. This proclamation slowly fades during the week — resulting in a relapse that completes the cycle.  

Symptoms of this self imposed disease are as follows: 

1: Throbbing headache

Devastating migraines are a common symptom of this disease. A general misconception occurring prior to “post weekend denial” is that cheap liquor is a legitimate form of hydration. The resulting headache should serve as a lesson in moderation. However, there is little chance a patient of PWD will actually undertake any form of future self restraint. You should have taken the hint when your roommate's New Amsterdam started tasting like water. 

2: Understating previous actions

In a feeble attempt to reclaim their lost dignity, patients of PWD have been shown to drastically understate their actions from the night before. This can be detrimental to a patient’s health as they may not fully grasp the fact that they were acting like a total dick. Friends and family of individuals afflicted by PWD are prompted to post embarrassing videos of the patient’s actions. Historically, this has been a valid form of treatment that utilizes the power of social ridicule. However, social media accounts like Barstool just repost these videos; encouraging people with the same disease to celebrate their collective symptoms. 

3: Newfound resolutions 

This late stage symptom of “post weekend denial” plays a dangerous role in the overall cycle of the disease. Fear and panic prompt a patient’s amygdala to produce a fight or flight response. The resulting actions of frantically cleaning one's room and pouring over missed assignments are common occurrences. Propositions to a higher power that: “I will never drink again” have also been common in random case studies. Doctors prompt patients suffering from this particular symptom to: “Stop lying to themselves”

This disease our community faces is as old as the university itself. We have all been there. Staring up at a stranger’s ceiling while marinating in bad decisions from the night prior. Thinking to ourselves: “Why, just why?” At least next weekend we can all relax and be productive… right?  

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