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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 21, 2022
Photo of President Biden's dog, Major.

Major Biden cracks under pressure

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

President Biden’s German shepherd puppy, Major has been making national news headlines all around America for his involvement in two newsworthy biting incidents. While Major has been put on blast for these aggressive acts, no one knows or can possibly understand what the dog has been through. 

In an exclusive Daily Cardinal interview with Major himself, the dog told us that what the public knows is next to nothing: The Secret Service official he bit was “looking at him weirdly,” and he’d do it again. 

Delawareans have been extremely upset with the way their very own public official has been acting in the White House. He’s up in front of the world representing their state, and he’s making a scene. The once forgotten state is now known for putting an aggressive dog in the White House. His whole campaign was so moderate, running as just another “simple guy from Delaware,” and now he’s attacking his own officers, the supposed good guys. Americans everywhere had higher hopes for him, especially after the Indoguration. 

Americans on the left and right are upset — but they don’t understand one thing. They couldn’t possibly understand how hard it is to represent the public. There are 88 million dogs living in the United States, and the pressure gets to you when you least expect it — when you’re eating kibble, drifting to sleep or even when you’re happily mid-walk. 

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