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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, May 09, 2021
Booking photo of Derek Chauvin.

Derek Chauvin picking out paint swatches for prison cell

Derek Chauvin picking out paint swatches for prison cell

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

It was a chilling scene on Tuesday as former Minneapolis Police Officer Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three counts. While much of the country either takes a sigh of relief or starts sending their family members conspiracy theories via Facebook Messenger, Chauvin appears to be taking it in stride as he prepares for his new prison cell.

After the verdict was read and Chauvin was escorted out of the courtroom, the pigeon-eyed murderer was seen looking at paint swatches that had been handed to him through his cell door.

“I know we aren’t sure where he’s going yet or for how long, but I’m sure he’ll find some buddies among the correctional officers wherever he goes,” Chauvin’s friend, Officer Brooks, said. “From what I’ve heard, there’s a pretty good chance that he’ll end up in his own cell, which means they’re really giving him a lot of creative freedom as far as decorating goes.”

It’s quite uncommon for prisoners to be able to alter their cells, but a special exception is being made for the ex-cop to make sure he is able to “settle in and get comfortable.” 

While Chauvin cannot be reached for comment at this time, he is reportedly leaning towards a shade of blue to remind him of “the good old days” before he could get in trouble for using excessive force.

There’s still some time to decide, but the convict is said to be torn between the shades “Aztec Sky” and “Dusky Lilac.” 

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