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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 20, 2021
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Joe Biden says he won’t intervene in Tomato Town

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

It’s been two years since content creator Leviathan uploaded the iconic “Chug Jug With You” to SoundCloud. The song instantly became a top hit on TikTok and is today considered one of the most influential pop songs of the 21st century. But even more importantly, the song sparked an antiviolence movement with its reference to the ongoing atrocities in Tomato Town and its lyrics encouraging love and peace, like “I really love to chug with you” and “La la la la la ee a.”

According to recent Gallup polls, after hearing “Chug Jug With You,” 85% of Americans now favor sending emergency humanitarian aid to the region. Just 12% believe taking action would give too much credit to the Fortnite community.

The Biden administration, however, has refused to intervene, citing “uncertainty in the situation” and that getting involved would trigger backlash among the native Tomatonians, whom early American settlers attempted to eradicate by putting explosives in their tomatoes, the cash crop of the region. A recent Security Council resolution backed this position.

Action has been further impeded by conspiracy theorists, who claim that the Fortnite community is funding the violence by selling insurgents weaponry using offshore bank accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Still, protest against inaction has been huge, and Instagram temporarily shut down its servers due to a huge influx of “stories.” According to one student at the University of Alabama, “This is big. Real big. Every day I login to social media I read about a hundred posts sayin’ that we gotta do somethin’. We must not let the fire burn out. We must continue to post more stories.”

Yesterday, when asked about the latest developments during a press conference, President Joe Biden said, “How would I know? C’mon man.” The administration declined to comment.

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