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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

An amount of $10 million will go toward a data science institute on campus. 

UW Chancellor announces she'll take COVID-19 into her own hands

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

If you haven’t gotten tested for Coronavirus with the safer-badger app up until this point, you may have received an email from the university asking you to go. 

According to the email, consequences of non-compliance include suspension and a permanent note of it on your transcript. But did you also know that Chancellor Rebecca Blank will personally come to your off-campus house and beat the shit out of you?

This is just one of the many new provisions that have been added to the University’s plan to stay COVID free, despite the over 6000 UW students and staff that have already tested positive to date.

Other precautionary measures that the Safer Badgers has concocted was, surprisingly, charging students with a war crime (in the coveted fight against coronavirus of course) and sending them to an international tribunal if they fill the spit test over or under the testing line. 

“I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you gauge how much drool you have in your stupid little COVID filled mouths,” said one frustrated test administrator.

Testing site workers have also started retaliating against coffee drinkers, to one tester's surprise this past Wednesday. 

“I asked the girl checking the tests to see if my test looked alright. She asked me if I had had coffee this morning and I told her yes, but that it had been several hours since. She proceeded to knock the test out of my hand and spit in my mouth...”

“The worst part is, I don’t even blame her — I would honestly probably do the same thing if I had to look at spittle in a test tube all day.”

UW police even promised that extrajudicial killings would start occurring for student’s that did not comply with testing demands that are currently being bumped up to four times a day with two hour wait lines for each test.

With all the chaos and confusion surrounding testing one thing is for sure: I am going to be praying on my hands and knees every night that we can go back to nose swabs.

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