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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

Nine ways to get UW-Madison vaccinated — with and without force

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Every day, vaccination access is becoming more widespread. However, we all know some people who swear they will never get the COVID-19 vaccine. Chad from your business class, the girl on your floor who was a little too into the moon landing being fake or maybe the entirety of PIKE. Thus, the UW-Madison administration must decide if they will make the vaccination a requirement for returning to school in the fall. Here are nine ways Becky and the administration can incentive the student body to get vaccinated.

1. Feature vaccine recipients on Badger Barstool 

There is no honor higher than being posted on Badger Barstool, and many students would do anything for this privilege.

2. Arm starship robots with vaccines 

You’re minding your business, walking to Memorial Union to start studying for your biology test on Thursday. You notice a starship robot out of the corner of your eye, but think nothing of it. Until it grabs you by the throat, whispers in your ear, and slams the vaccine into your arm. 

3. Randomly pick a vaccinated student to replace Abe

We all know the Abraham Lincoln statue on Bascom Hill is insensitive. Let’s replace it with the statue of one lucky vaccinated student.

4. Vaccinate an actual badger on live stream 

This would not only be extremely cute, it would also allow students to learn through imitation.

5. Wager number one party school ranking 

Democrat, Republican, there’s one thing UW-Madison students can agree on: Their pride of being America’s number one party school. Remind students that without vaccinations, life on campus cannot return to normal and UW-Madison could lose this honorary title to Indiana, or even worse, University of Illinois. Who wants that? 

6. Sneak into frats and spike drinks

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Simply inserting a liquid version of the covid vaccine into a random Theta Chi punch bowl would get all freshmen in greek life vaccinated in one weekend.

7. Unlimited stir fry 

With Gordon’s not opening any real food stations this year, freshmen are eating one thing for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert: the stir fry. This offer would be too good to turn up.

8. Venmo everyone who gets vaccinated 10 bucks 

College kids will do a lot for money.

9.Enter everyone vaccinated in a raffle to have lunch with Becky

Throwing it back to elementary school with this one, when kids would enter a raffle for a coveted teacher-student lunch. Who wouldn’t enjoy a 30 minute Nitty Gritty conversation with Becky. 

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