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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, May 05, 2021
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As heat waves and cold fronts alike bombard the region, Midwest average temperatures are far below normal for the season.

Fuck that Groundhog

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

There’s one thing Wisconsinites are feeling this week, and that’s hatred for Punxsutawney Phil. The infamous groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter, and with subzero temperatures rolling in this week, it is clear that the groundhog had insider knowledge. 

Unlike everyday Wisconsinites, one woman stands alone in her love for this cold weather. Rebecca Blank is on record stating “Phil has predicted a miracle.” Students, who have gone out every single Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in the midst of a deadly pandemic, are finally staying inside and following social distancing guidelines. Madison locals were shocked, even though this is exactly the way kids should have acted for the last 6 months. Local hospitals have stated that recent temperatures have saved the lives of at least 100 Madison elders. 

The cold created a whole new landscape at Memorial Union this week. Only one species of UW-Madison students could be found studying there, Canada Goose owners. Strada Workers said the Union looked insane, with a Canada Goose gracing the back of every chair. Students reported hearing the faint howls of the wolves killed for the coats.

Low temperatures reportedly cost Snapchat thousands of dollars, for so many out of state students were using the temperature feature that the app actually crashed.

The freezing temperatures didn’t only affect students, for numerous Starship robots were found buried under snow. One student even found one in the middle of Lake Mendota, in an uncanny position that made it seem as though its robot arm was frozen mid sip — drinking a Strawberry Acai Refresher.

While students and robots alike struggled with the cold this week, no one had it worse than the small indie population at UW-Madison who refused to put a winter coat over their outfits despite negative temperatures. This week’s cold shocked UW-Madison students. Thank god there’s only four more months of it. 

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