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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Almanac’s official guide to being single on Valentine's Day.

As if being single wasn't bad enough

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

For some, this weekend means roses, chocolate, dropping loads of money on dinners, and best of all: gifted squishmallows. Couples will be swept away by the spirit and whimsy of the holiday and enjoy themselves on intimate dates, relishing the one-on-one time that only COVID-19 can provide.


I asked some of UW-Madison’s hottest singles — who also happen to be some of my closest friends — what this war-crime of a holiday means to them and more importantly, how they’re planning to spend that special day.

For our eligible interviewees, Valentine's day is just another reminder why exactly they’re single in the first place.

“Totally 100% because of Coronavirus. No other reason…” explained one distinguished gentleman. 

While placing the blame on the virus is quite novel, other interviewees stuck to the tried and true “it’s not me, it's you” method.

“I'm exclusively attracted to crazy bitches,” “No men are good enough to love me,” “because I finally set higher standards for men and I’m not dating someone because I’m lonely,” (proud of you girl-boss!!!) were just a few of the examples I was given. 

Some explanations hit closer to home than others: “because I’m still in love with my ex,” and “i'm single because no guy wants to man up and take me on a date.” (yes, we are talking about you K***!!)

One woman said it is “because I only like those who have zero future or are mentally abusive” double points for both!!

If this article makes you feel cynical and lonely — good! That’s the point! Fret not, for my fellow singles have some great advice on ways to spend your holiday that don’t involve romance.

Some have decided to go with the tried and true method: substance abuse.

“I will be getting sloshed with the girls on V-day,” said one.

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“I will likely be nursing a level 70 hangover with copious amounts of fun dip and grey’s anatomy- and probably rolling a joint (or 4) to take the edge off,” said my single and fabulous friend, another explaining “instead of going on a date I will be doing a face masks in my apartment and drinking ‘sparkling grape juice’ while watching rom coms.”

Other creative ideas include “wasting the day watching football and then having a panic attack at midnight.” He is going to be so upset when he realizes the Super Bowl was the last football game until September.

No matter what though, make sure you take the day to relax from insane amounts of online class, and feel comforted in the fact that you will be doing better than the interviewees “likely hanging out with [their] ex” and “going to lunch with [their] mom.”

As for myself, I will be manifesting that the boy I've been obsessed with since freshman year magically decides that he wants to date me.

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