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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, February 26, 2021

Things at UW-Madison that are harder to do than getting into the U.S. Capitol

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Anyone who doesn’t live under a rock should be well aware of the recent United States Capitol breech, and if you aren't, wake up hunny. In an effort to look towards the silver linings, the break in made it hilariously apparent that quite a few things are harder to get into than the United States Capitol. So to give us the laugh we so desperately need, here is the UW-Madison edition: 

Login to a Student Canvas Account 

The past online semester taught UW-Madison students how to have a good social life, with a little side of Canvas. It's one in the afternoon and you're finally waking up? Well, better hop on Canvas and see what busy work you can grind out today. Hopefully you didn’t forget your phone in last night's uber ride, because DUO loves to keep you from doing the course work you didn’t want to be doing in the first place. Loyal DUO really ups the ante to the annoyance of online school, without fail forcing you to type in your Net ID, scavenge for your phone, click into the DUO app, send a push and then head back to Canvas. This relentless requirement has made logging into canvas a recipe for a headache before you even begin your coursework. The app created to prevent outsiders from accessing UW courses in reality serves as the nuisance that restricts ourselves. Considering Jan. 6’s effortless capitol break in did not require invaders to sign in with their Net ID, it is clearly harder to hack into a University of Wisconsin student's Canvas account than the United States Capitol. Maybe the Capitol, home of life ending nuclear missile technology, should invest in our friend DUO. 

Bypass Brad and Chad

What brothers do you know here? Oh so you didn’t receive a text? No hard feelings but in this COVID era things are small and selective. Even for girls, if you’re not on the list it doesn't matter how big your new Victoria Secret push up bra makes you look, or how you got hypothermia walking half naked down Langdon in the winter, because you’re not coming inside. Interestingly, many capitol insurrectionists share a lot in common with fraternity presidents Brad and Chad, thinking they are tougher, superior, and overall more important than everyone else. Despite their synonymous ego, Brad and Chad would never upset their girl to guy ratio … sorry Proud Boys but you can’t come in. If only UW Madison’s top of the line scrawny new pledges were guarding the capital, for if Betta has the ability to reject Dixi D'amelio, UW-Madison fraternities are far harder to get into than the United States Capitol. 

Acquire a Steamy Bowl of Gordon’s Stir Fry 

“Have you tried the stir fry yet” is a conversation starter for a reason. With everything being pre-packed and pre-made this year, the stir fry is the only edible thing in Gordon’s dining hall. If you’re a freshman in the south east, stop aimlessly walking around the dining hall trying to convince yourself that something else could be palatable … just get in the darn stir fry line already. It may be best to head over right after you finish breakfast because that line is always wrapped around the block. As learned after Nancy Pelosi's podium was being auctioned throughout Ebay, Jan. 6 insurgents’ hobbies include breaking and entering to take things that are not theirs to have. If this mentality was maintained by storming to the front of the stir fry line and stealing fistfulls of noodles like lawless savages, capital rioters would find they do not fit in with UW Madison’s midwest hospitality. It appears that yet again it is easier to get into the United States Capitol than through the Gordon’s stir fry line. To those up for the challenge, don’t forget to ask for extra sauce. Thank me later. 

Failing “Clap for Credit" Music 113

Lost all motivation but desperately need a GPA booster? Well I am sure you are familiar with Music 113. Yes, this is the “clap for credit” class where 90% of your grade is accumulated by  showing up. That is correct, you could get an A by joining the Zoom call and going right back to sleep. The rest of the grading comes from listening to classical music or occasionally submitting a couple of sentences on a short video. Gibberish counts as a sentence! Even capitol raiders would feel right at home in Music 113, getting the opportunity to listen to their favorite genre, classical music written by fellow old white men. If you think about it, capitol raiders had to do a lot, wake up early, transport to the capital, and most importantly, have the motivation to get out of bed. This requirement is much more than anything you would have to do in Music 113, the course made for lethargic couch potatoes. Failing this course would genuinely be harder than raiding the United States Capitol, requiring you to purposefully and consciously avoid the course emails and canvas completely to not pass.  

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