Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, July 03, 2022
paul chryst.jpg

Experts speculate that Covid-19 causes permanent brain damage after seeing Paul Chryst’s performance Saturday

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

It has been a disappointing past two weeks for Badger fans, to say the least. Some have been able to chalk it up to bad luck and a couple of questionable plays, but medical experts speculate that it could be much more consequential.

After the Badgers took down the Illinois football team what feels like a century ago, when we all felt some hope left for 2020, over 22 people within the Badger football program tested positive for the virus that has spread to thousands at UW-Madison. One of the most notable of these cases being the head football coach Paul Chryst.

Two weekends later, UW-Madison’s beloved team stepped out on the field for the second time in the unprecedented season, crushing their opponent and a long-time object of Badger hatred — Jim Harbaugh.

Then a pair of crushing defeats brought an end to the team’s fairytale story of a season with a promising new quarterback, with many fans asking: what happened??

Anthony Fauci, a renowned physician and director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, believes that this may be a direct result of the dreaded Coronavirus. 

“You know, we’ve been doing a lot of trials before and after we expose volunteers to the virus and what we’ve started seeing is a general decline in their ability to make strategic decisions, especially offensively,” Dr. Fauci said.

This would definitely account for the recent poor performance of the Badger offense, especially after acquiring a sought-after quarterback and benching him for a season. 

Fauci revealed that the only real strategy he could see improving the piss-poor performance — “I think it's in Chrysts best interest to fire the offensive coordinator and recommend someone that doesn’t have their head stuck up their ass.

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2022 The Daily Cardinal