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Saturday, May 25, 2024
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Word of effective COVID vaccine worries Wisconsinites

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.

One of the concerned UW-Madison students was Hunter McDonald, an in state student studying biochemistry. I pulled him aside from a day party he was hosting to ask him about his reservations about the vaccine. After watching him break open a beer can to shotgun on his head — a method called caveman he later told me — he explained that he had heard reports that the vaccine caused brain damage to it’s recipients. 

“I use my brain every day I’m at this university, it would be awful for me to lose any function or intelligence,” he said as his friends urged him to come back to the party to climb up on the roof to jump on and break the pong table they were using.

I also talked with a medicaid recipient that lives in one of Madison's surrounding apartment complexes. He said that he had reservations “ever since Joe was declared the winner of the race.” The Obamacare beneficiary described that it was “too dangerous to listen to the democrats on health care,” and despite his preexisting condition, he “won’t be taking the vaccine.”

Braelynn from a local church also explained that she wouldn’t take the vaccine, insisting that it infringed on her 2nd Amendment rights to religion. 

“I just think it would be a sin for me to take this vaccine knowing how all powerful God’s healing is.” She said it would be a “slap in the face” to learn that any of her fellow congregants took the vaccine, despite reports of the effectiveness of herd immunity.

Dr. Anthony Fauci of the NIAID explained that while his team would continue to work on the vaccine and raising counters to conspiracies, “you can’t win them all, I guess.” 

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