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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin

Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.

You see, while it may seem that when a candidate wins a state that they are then awarded that state’s electoral votes, but we actually have this fucked up system where each electoral vote is cast by an individual appointed by the state, and that individual has the ability to ignore their state’s vote tally and cast a state electoral vote for whoever they damn well please — you know, democracy stuff. This phenomenon of fuckery is known as a “faithless elector,” and in the close 2020 Presidential Race, a faithless elector has the potential to sway the election.

Faithless electors are one of several strategies the Trump campaign may employ to hedge their bets for a win in 2020. They have already sued the State of Wisconsin, alleging that humans tend to be biased against the president and are therefore unfit to serve as state electors, all the while training the only non-human alternatives: a liter of badgers from the parking lot of a Wausau Menards.

“Our badgers have already mastered the basic commands such as ‘sit,’ ‘stay’ and ‘give that libtard rabies’ and are continuing to make tremendous progress,” said Mark Guatto, the Trump campaign’s Chief Animal Training Strategist. “These badgers are going to be the most fantastic faithless electors the state of Wisconsin has ever had, and true patriotic Wisconsinites would never be mad at a cute little badger. Isn’t that right little Artemis. Yes. Yes it is. Who’s a good little badger. Ow, fuck! The motherfucker just gave me rabies! Wait, are you still writing? Stop quoting me, this is off the record.”

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