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Saturday, May 25, 2024
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Racism disappears from Madison completely Saturday morning

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.

Multitudes of UW-Madison students, Madisonians, and surrounding area residents crowded the square all day Saturday to celebrate the victory of who they’re calling, the most progressive political candidate in United States history: Joseph Robinette Biden. 

Through the background sound of the honking horns from ecstatic drivers, attenders at the rally near the base of State Street could hear white speakers taking control of the mic, attending a rally for the first time after the George Floyd protests they went to for insta clout. One speaker was heard declaring “It’s the end of racism as we know it! And I feel fine!”

Kaitlynne Elizabeth, a freshman at Madison from a Chicago suburb shared how she knew it was finally time to stop the protesting and activism and go back to boat pics with her besties, saying, “I woke up this morning, and for the first time since May, there were no infographics on my instagram story about BIPOC justice, and that’s when I knew. It was over. We finally destroyed racism once and for all.”

She ran over quickly to correct herself for a silly mistake, adding “Well, you know technically this is the second time we’ve destroyed it since the first time was Obama and then Trump ruined it.”

As other organizers tried to wrestle the mic from a speaker shouting “it’s time, we can finally go back to normal,” Chad McBrad also described how he knew something had shifted that morning. 

“I went downstairs after a long night of beer die to see that the centerpiece of my buddy Brad McChad’s room, a giant MAGA flag, had been taken down.” He knew then that “racism had died.”

I found him again to comment later but it seemed he had been caught in the crossfire of the motorcyclist shouting racial slurs at innocent congregators. 

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