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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023
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Man wants to jump off bridge after Presidential Debate but doesn’t trust structural integrity of America’s bridges

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.

“I think I speak for the whole country when I say that ‘I. Literally. Can’t. Anymore.’” Bedfordsmanberg tweeted Tuesday night after the debate.

Bedfordsmanberg continued, also writing “I just want to jump off a bridge. Of course, there hasn’t been comprehensive infrastructure investment since the presidential candidates were born. It might collapse before I get to do it. You can’t even jump off a bridge safely in this country!”

The other people who plan to be on the bridge at the same time as Bedfordsmanberg don’t seem to be concerned, however, noting that if they perished in a bridge collapse they’d finally be safe from COVID.

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