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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
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Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusion

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.

“I expect badgers to be welcoming to all beings on this campus, whether they have DNA or RNA structures,” wrote Blank. “Regardless of what people — like me — have said, remember that the decision to bring back Badger Football was meant to unite humans and coronaviruses, not further divide us. So, I am asking all of you to be inclusive and kind this weekend, rather than succumb to hate, which is so damaging to our campus community.”

With over 3,000 confirmed coronavirus cases on campus, UW-Madison is one of the most successful schools in the nation when it comes to integrating coronaviruses into their student body. However, there are still a great number of people who are less accepting of the virus, and new daily cases have fallen in recent weeks.

“We are always fighting for greater acceptance on campus, and we won’t stop until each and every student has internally embraced our presence,” said Yeuhav A. Drykoff, a coronavirus living in Witte. “We have had some setbacks, but I think the Badger game this weekend is a great opportunity to bring humans and coronaviruses together again, and I thank Becky Blank for her statement.”

When asked about his overall outlook toward coronavirus inclusion on campus, Drykoff said, “us coronaviruses are still victims of bias and microbe aggressions far too often. But given the hard work that this administration is doing to keep us from being excluded on campus, I think that we will soon be widely accepted by the student body.”

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