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Friday, May 27, 2022
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With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.

At first, McChompsalot simply tried mutilating bugs and insects, as well as the occasional small rodent which got lost in the building, but it was immediately clear that this would not fill the void of aggressively obliterating innocent and unsuspecting students to absolute bits and pieces. As a result, McChompsalot was forced to get creative in his search for a new pastime, but after trying his hand in break dancing and a brief stint in opera, McChompsalot still felt a void of unfulfillment inside.

“It was truly a difficult time in my life,” said McChompsalot. “However, I took the time to do some deep self-reflection and realized that romance was what I felt missing in my life, and that finding love was the only thing that could fill the void I felt inside.”

Ever since his realization, McChompsalot has fully shifted focus toward finding a kind and loving half-human, half-cow companion. He has made a personal profile on Kinder, a dating app for mythological creatures that eat children, and even made an effort to go to Minotaur singles nights around town to meet people the old fashioned way (it should be noted that mythological creatures cannot contract COVID-19 … those bastards).

“I am quite optimistic for this new chapter in my life,” McChompsalot added. “And who knows, maybe when things return to normal and people start getting lost in the Humanities Building again, I’ll have a beautiful lady Minotaur to accompany me as I bite the heads off of unsuspecting students.”

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