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Saturday, December 09, 2023
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Professor requires use of catheter during exams to ensure students not hiding notes in urethra

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.

One professor has taken these anti-cheating measures one step further. Dr. Armando Wallace wrote in the syllabus for his Fluid Dynamics class (because of-fucking-course it’s STEM) that students will be required to wear a “medical grade catheter outfitted with a camera” during exams so that students cannot bypass other anti-cheating technology by hiding notes in their urethra.

“What the actual fuck,” reacted Gina Damien, an angered student of Dr. Wallace’s. “If somebody wants to hide notes in their goddamn urethra, I would honestly just give them their diploma. They are clearly dedicated enough to their field, and also just get them out of here because I don’t want them near me, because literally who the fuck does that? Goddamn! I don’t want Professor Wallace videotaping my fucking pee-hole!”

Dr. Wallace defended his course policy by stating, “I need to keep these cheating scoundrels in line, I can’t have them taking advantage of online courses. I don’t care if my students are ‘adults who should be treated as such’ or if I should be more ‘understanding’ because there’s a global ‘pandemic.’ I’m a STEM professor, I run the world and these students are just going to have to toughen up — specifically in their nether regions because catheters sometimes cause muscle damage.”

The professor’s decision remains controversial, and those who have been, or will be, wronged by a fluid dynamics class in the past, present or future have strongly questioned whether the use of a medical grade catheter is necessary.

There was also concern from one student who is worried that he could be wrongly convicted of cheating on exams, since he has a UTI which causes redness in the exact shape of the Navier-Stokes equation.

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