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Saturday, December 09, 2023
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How to go to bars during a pandemic

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?

One situation that has not received ample attention, however, is the issue of bar-going. The affair has been completely thrown for a loop by the pesky coronavirus, but lucky for you, I have comprised the perfect etiquette and style guide to help you through these unprecedented times. 

1. Don’t bother matching your mask with your outfit

Have you seen the lines at The Double U and Wandos? Every second is precious as you prepare for your departure to the front lines. Therefore, there is absolutely no point in wasting any time attempting to find a mask that will match your going-out outfit. I mean let’s be real, the mask won’t be on for long anyways. 

2. Share your experience on social media

Not everyone can say they go to bars during a pandemic. It would be downright tragic for you to miss the opportunity of plastering the experience all over social media. This will also help you to assert dominance over your non-bar-going followers: you are way cooler than them, and they need to know that! 

3. Be LOUD

You are so brave for going to the bars <3. Make your presence known to anyone who tragically decided to live nearby. Own that UU patio by screaming at the top of your lungs. Maintain an obnoxiously loud volume during your commute to and from the bar to achieve maximum effectiveness.

Tips to follow after your night out: 

1. Rideshare home

Don’t stop the party just because it’s closing time. Order an Uber or Lyft for your return home, and try to cram in as many of your annoying, drunk friends as possible. Harass your naive driver until they surrender the aux, and blast some bops! This will also help simulate the more cramped conditions of pre-pandemic bars, and with a little imagination, even the beloved frat parties that we so miss. 

2. Share an infographic about COVID-19, social distancing or some shit like that

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Unfortunately, we cannot ignore that a certain stigma has attached itself to the act of bar-going once COVID-19 hit. But that’s nothing an infographic can’t fix. To avoid being held accountable for your actions, find and post a cute diagram that illustrates the sharp increase of COVID-19 cases on campus. This will not only show that you have some sort of awareness of the pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands of people, but it will give you a façade of someone who gives a shit about other people even if your actions last night might suggest otherwise. 

3. Don’t waste any time getting tested for COVID-19

Subjecting yourself to a COVID-19 test will only hinder your ability to return to bars. Test results usually take a few days, and legend has it, you’re supposed to avoid others until you know for sure that you’re negative. But either way, ignorance is bliss in this situation. I mean, god forbid you receive a positive test result! That would mean no bars for at least 10 days… that is unless you’re a real party animal. 

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