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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023
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Cases in Witte Residence Hall Skyrocket and the “Shower Shitter” resurfaces

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The hallways of Witte painted a stark contrast this weekend to what they looked like during the alleged lockdown. Mask-less freshmen crowded the lobby and elevators in their best crop tops and jersey-hoodie combos in pursuit of the allusive bar scene and Langdon houses that had yet to be shut down.

They were able to evade being blocked from leaving the building because all available resources had been allocated to finding a bandit who repetitively poops in the public shower stalls.

RA’s Anne and Reed explained that “while the residents’ safety is our main concern, our main purpose as administrators of our floors cannot be restored until the dumping has stopped.” They explained that since the beginning of the year, they had received multiple complaints but did not believe it for themselves until one day, Kwame happened to walk into one of the perpetrators previous crime sights. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” he elaborated, with tears brimming his eyes.

“What started as a harmless prank last year has transpired into a truly horrifying string of events,” Witte house fellows said. “We have not yet been able to determine whether this is the same delinquent as before, or merely a copycat.”

What little evidence they do have of this bandit is terrible. Each attack is signed by a calling card — a threatening note spelled out with words from cut up UHS pamphlets. One read, “I will not be stopped until we are liberated.”

“What specifically he is talking about has not been determined,” explained UW-Madison Chancellor Becky Blank as a cohort of freshmen openly played beer darts in the hallway behind her, some audibly coughing, “what we do know is that until he or she is caught, no one is safe.”

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