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Thursday, May 26, 2022
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Leprechaun at end of rainbow pleads for free healthcare, clearly a Bernie supporter

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Breaking: somebody finally found the end of a rainbow … and a Bernie-supporting leprechaun.

An individual from the Boston area took refuge in a nearby Irish pub when a downpour interrupted their commute home from work. After an ungodly amount of whiskey and Guinness, they stumbled home. But upon arrival, they were nearly blinded by an awe-inspiring, iridescent rainbow that arched over their house. Naked cherubs, all with the face of Lucky the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms™, whispered sweet nothings as small marshmallow rainbows floated in the air. 

After regaining some sort of grip on reality, their eyes landed on a gigantic pot of gold “just sitting there” at the end of the driveway. Plump golden coins sparkled and reflected the rainbow’s striking colors as they nearly spilled out in all directions. The cherubs softly chanted, “they’re magically delicious!” as the individual made snow angels in their treasure. 

“More whiskey … more Guinness … I’m gonna buy it all!” they said as they dreamt about what their new fortune could bring them. “A Gucci belt for every day of the week, an individual yacht for every one of my new cherub friends, a newfound will to live!!!”

But suddenly, the cherubs went silent. And it wasn’t out of shock for their alleged new slew of luxury water vehicles. It must’ve been the sight of the disheveled leprechaun who slowly slid down from the peak of the rainbow, making the colors become more and more mute as they trailed behind him. 

The leprechaun cast a surprisingly long shadow on the high-net-worth individual. Upon closer inspection, his hair looked an utter mess. Even worse, his hairy beer belly protruded from underneath the battered, cropped “Bernie 2020” t-shirt that he wore. His foot, which wore a dingy pointed-toe boot that was nearly unbuckled, was planted on the chest of one of the many snow angels. He sighed.

“You sir! You sir is what is wrong with America!” he proclaimed while shaking his fist in the air, causing a major disturbance to the floating-rainbow-marshmallow-air. “You have all the money in the world, more than the bottom half of the country to be exact and yet you selfishly want to use it all for yourself!” 

After going on and on about the barbarous price of his necessary prescription meds, the ever-so-orgasmic Medicare for All and the benefits of socialism in general, the drunken multimillionaire sat up from their luxurious supine position amongst their many riches. Because the leprechaun was right. Only an utter asshole would keep a fortune like this to themselves.

Needless to say, a large contribution was made to the Bernie Sanders’ campaign that day. In addition, the pot-of-gold winner paid off all student debt, bought out the National Rifle Association and abolished it and personally funded an increased minimum wage, among other things. Cherubs and marshmallow rainbows were everywhere. And their willingness to give a shit about people other than themselves was contagious … The nation was finally at peace. 

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