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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
Smith ponders the meaning behind his testicular development.

Teen claims that his balls dropped in unison with Times Square ball drop

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

As the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2020, the Times Square Ball wasn’t the only ball dropping for the new year. Area teen James Smith reported that this year, his balls, too, had partaken in the long-standing New Year’s tradition. 

Smith told his story in great detail to anyone who would listen. He was convinced the occurrence was a sign that he will soon develop God-like abilities. Comparing his experience with the biblical tale of Jesus Christ turning water into wine, Smith persisted that such “flawless, immaculate” timing couldn’t just be a coincidence. 

Unsure of how turning water into wine related to male puberty, many were skeptical of his story. Additionally, a notable number of health experts testified that the “balls don’t just drop at the drop of a hat.” Instead, it’s much more of a process that occurs over a longer period of time. 

Others believed that Smith’s tale was fraudulent based on the sole fact that time is a mere human construct: “We really shouldn’t care when the dude’s balls dropped. Besides, the laws of physics don’t care when a gigantic damn crystal ball drops. Humans suck!”

Despite the skeptics, Smith remains confident in his “newfound friendship with the universe’s higher powers.” 

“When it happened, not only did I realize that this would be my year, but I realized I would no longer be someone else’s b*tch,” said Smith. “To the haters: God works in mysterious ways, and I don’t expect any of you average human-being clowns to understand.”

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