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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
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Crosswalk man powerless.

Student crosses crosswalk with no sense of urgency with only two seconds left on crossing signal

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Though students are only in their second week of the 2020 spring semester at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, spirits are already quite low. This is most clearly seen on the campus’s many crosswalks, especially those that intersect with some of Madison’s most busy roads: it seems that students have developed a total disregard for crossing signals.

On Tuesday, January 28, an unidentified Badger unknowingly started the pitiful trend when crossing University Avenue around 9:32 in the morning, probably making them late for whichever 9:30 class they were attempting to attend that day. The lone individual stepped foot into the pedestrian crossing with only two seconds left on the crossing signal. They proceeded to walk at a leisurely, yet glacial pace to the other side of the street.

While many were skeptical of the tale, several eyewitnesses confirmed that the individual was indeed aware of the time left on the crossing signal. Some said this was evident in the “cold, hard eye contact the individual kept with the electronic warning device during his journey across University Avenue.” Still, others insisted the individual had ample time to cross but purposely waited until the signal dwindled to its final numbers.

Whether purposeful or not, this Badger inspired many with his careless crosswalk etiquette. Within the same day, students all across campus refused to step foot into any crosswalk unless the crossing signal had reduced to its last two seconds.

“Actions speak louder than words,” one particularly brave student who crossed a street with no time left at all on its crossing signal said. “So, yes, I suppose I could say ‘I don’t want to go to class today’ or ‘I’m incredibly overwhelmed, and quite frankly, depressed.’ But acting as though I have enough time to cross a street when I really don’t expresses my feelings in a much more resounding fashion.”

Needless to say, college education and its rigorous nature has certainly been predictable with its lengthy track record of taking a toll on students, but the creative (and sometimes alarming) responses to such adversary are anything but.

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