Editor’s note: College football is nothing without its fans, and its fans are nothing without their passion. In an attempt to capture that unique intensity and Overreactability, we’ve asked washed-up sports editor and Southerner Bremen Keasey to give us a weekly breakdown of college football happenings around the country like only a true fan could.
Oh man it’s been a while since I got this here column space (two-to-three weeks, depending on if you consider BYE weeks a gap in the space-time continuum or not) and I just won’t try and recap anything that happened to Wisconsin football the past few weeks. I think that’s fair. We both don’t want to relive that. Let’s instead look to other places and enjoy their misery as well [puts on a cheesy smile and thumbs up to try and mask the pain].
“The Big Machine in Red and Black” is Back
Florida-Georgia, occasionally known by the non-NCAA sanctioned name “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party,” is a fixture on all my friends from back home’s calendars. It is when they go to Jacksonville, get really drunk on a beach, then hope to God their football team can pull it together during a game that is more famous for being ugly and sloppy — it’s more a crab in a bucket experiment than a football game — to get some glorious bragging rights in the Southeastern corner of the US.
In fact, probably the most famous game featured a touchdown where literally all of the Georgia players ran from the sidelines into the end zone, forcing all the refs to throw their flags as UGA went on to beat Florida for the first time in a while.
The game this year was just as sloppy and spite-filled as normal, as the No. 8 Bulldogs managed to edge the No. 6 Florida Gators 24-17 and regain momentum in their chase for a return to the College Football Playoff.
Head coach Kirby Smart finally opened up the offense, seemingly begrudgingly, as Jake Fromm finally was allowed to throw the ball down field every so often. The most Georgian man in the world threw for 279 yards and two touchdowns, including a 52-yard pass(!!) to tight end Lawrence Cager that ended up being the winning score.
Meanwhile, Florida didn’t do much. They ended up running for 21 yards on 19 touches which is pretty darn bad if you ask me. The other pretty darn bad thing was allowing Georgia to convert 12-for-18 of their third downs killing any possible momentum won on defense.
So what does this all mean? Well, it means now UGA is likely in the driver’s seat to reach the SEC Championship game at the end of the season. They’re a whole game ahead of Florida and have the tie-breaker, meaning the Dawgs will likely face a short trip to Atlanta in November to take on either Bama or LSU.
LSU vs. Bama will steal literally every headline
Speaking of those SEC West heavyweights (editor’s note: wow, what a smooth transition, you’re such a brilliant writer), they’ll finally face off this weekend. One versus two. Tigers vs. the Tide. Joey Heisman vs. maybe Tua.
Yep, in something out of Nick Saban’s erotic dreams, the Tide is finally technically the disrespected underdog as No. 1 LSU will travel to Bryant-Denny Stadium with its new rave-themed stadium lights to take on No. 2 Alabama. Although our friends in the desert actually say that the Tide are favorites, this feels the most like LSU’s year.
And that’s because quarterback Joe Burrow has become a god. LSU tinkered with its ancient offense over the offseason and Joe Burrow has been a perfect specimen of a quarterback. Not only has he thrown for nearly 3,000 yards, 30 touchdowns and a completion percentage of 79 percent, Joey Football has shown off his ability to scamper, scoring a key rushing touchdown against Auburn and frequently escaping rushers in the pocket.
Not only is the football part great, but the off field/meme level for Joey Football is also at optimum capacity. First of all, he accidentally showed his ass on national television during the Mississippi State game (objectively a great ass), defended his “flopping” on twitter and has pulled himself screaming and hollering into the Heisman race.
Meanwhile, the Heisman-elect in the preseason race, Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa, has a sprained ankle. There will be questions surrounding him and his readiness for Saturday, but all the words are saying that Tua is gonna play this weekend. And he is surrounded by a wide receiving core that might have three NFL first rounders in Jerry Juedy, Henry Ruggs III and DeVonta Smith alongside stud running back Najee Harris, so that will probably help Tua if he still isn’t 100 percent.
In some ways, this game could be a welcome change from the normal stereotypes of LSU-Bama games in the past. Both team’s offenses have so much firepower, while the defenses have not necessarily struggled, but not necessarily wowed. Especially with LSU picking up some injury issues of their own in the secondary, this game could be a shootout.
Either way this game ends up, it’s unlikely that one team would be eliminated from playoff conversation, which might seem annoying to some — “why is E-SEC-PN riding so hard for a team that didn’t even win its own conference” I already hear some Big Ten fans screaming, but they are seriously the two best teams in college football and I hope it’s an instant classic game.
That or Bama loses in hilarious fashion and Nick Saban gets all red in the face.
I love him when he’s angry.
So You’re Saying There’s a Chance?
Ok folks, I’ve been in the lab for a couple weeks cooking up how Wisconsin can get back into the playoff hunt. Obviously, Wisconsin must win out. After that, it’s a complicated process, but I think we might be able to do it. Here’s what we need:
- Minnesota has to beat Penn State, BUT lose to Iowa and Wisconsin in the final game of the season. They help PSU get knocked to two loses with a presumptive loss to Ohio State included in this equation.
- Clemson loses in the ACC title game to whatever scrap heap team they meet from the ACC Coastal division. Bonus points if somehow Wake Forest also beats them in the regular season.
- Baylor loses to Texas, but not Oklahoma. Then, in the rematch in the Big 12 title game, Baylor loses to the two-loss Sooners. What is OU’s best win? A 9-3 Texas team? BYE!
- LSU beats Alabama and then they somehow go into a tailspin and never recover, losing to Auburn in the Iron Bowl. Nick Saban then retires and then sells rat poison on TV.
- The Pac 12 eats itself like it’s Kronos eating his own children. This is probably the most likely thing we need.
- Florida can’t reach the SEC title game, but wouldn’t it be hilarious if they lost to an FSU team that just fired its coach. Oh my!
- Navy beats Notre Dame. Lol.
- This is the hardest part of the scenario, so bear with me please. Michigan beats Ohio State in “The Game.” OSU still has one loss, so they get to the title game and face Wisconsin. Because UW already beat Michigan, we will have a tiebreaker in the committee’s eyes. Jim Harbaugh is furious, but he wants to keep Ohio away from the title game. So, with that in mind, he sends a spy into whoever caters Ohio State’s pre-game meal before the Big Ten Title game. The spy puts something into the food that gives all the Buckeyes food poisoning, so they are literally puking and pooping the whole time they play Wisconsin. Somehow, the world is convinced that nothing malicious happened and Wisconsin fairly gets the Big Ten title and gets a playoff spot as a two-loss Big Ten champion.
- OR, we invent a time machine, stop us losing to Illinois and then if we win out we’re in no matter what.
- OR [at this point, the editors took away Bremen Keasey’s Macbook and locked him in the newsroom to sweat out the caffeine that made him map out this ridiculous scenario]
