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Friday, May 27, 2022
'No Nut November' sends nut-based snack companies into panicked frenzy
"No Nut November" causes the nation's nuts to grow visibly upset, losing more and more pigment as the holiday progresses.

‘No Nut November’ sends nut-based snack companies into panicked frenzy

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Nut-based snack companies across the nation are stumped after catching wave of the millennial holiday “No Nut November.” They simply don’t know what to do. 

“Millennials make up a large proportion of our market,” an almond milk business analyst said. “We can’t have them celebrating this ‘No Nut November’ nonsense!” 

Companies have launched numerous initiatives to get to the bottom of this phenomenon, but none of their focus groups have given them much insight. When asked about the holiday, millennial participants either just laughed, turned bright red or responded with completely inappropriate commentary about sex. 

Many nut executives even extended their inquiry to the very top dogs of the nut-centric business sphere. They figured Mr. Peanut should at least be slightly troubled by the foolish holiday … that is until they found out that Mr. Peanut himself would be participating in “No Nut November” festivities.

“Just like any other respectable man, Mr. Peanut recognizes the seriousness of ‘No Nut November’ and will be adjusting his habits accordingly in order to respect this sacred holiday,” said one of Mr. Peanut’s spokespersons. “On behalf of Mr. Peanut, we will no longer be taking any more questions at this time.”

Seemingly up against the wall, the self-proclaimed “proletariat of nut-based snack companies” registered a counter holiday on a rundown website claiming to be an online national month calendar. They called it “Nut All You Want November.”

Not only was this holiday created out of utter desperation, but it was created in the efforts to relieve this nation’s nuts. Nut psychologists have reported an increased spike in worry, sadness and fury amongst their nut patients.

“I mean, can you blame them?” sneered Nutt Luver, MD. “For 11 months out of the year, they’re America’s sweethearts. But, ohhh no, not in November! Everyone goes rogue and says, ‘f the nut!’ Well, how would you feel if everyone acted like you didn’t exist for an entire month?!” 

Whether you’re observing “No Nut November” or “Nut All You Want November,” do not be alarmed if you notice that November’s nuts are noticeably saltier or soggier. It’s just one of the small consequences that we must pay for making this nation’s nuts soak in their own tears for an entire month. 

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