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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
Baby Boy 2
Dumb, ignorant baby tries to defiantly prove that he can in fact keep his head up during tummy time.

Dumb baby wearing "I will change the world" t-shirt accused of not knowing anything about poverty, climate change or humankind's inherent evil

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

An unsuspecting Facebook-user faces much controversy following a post of her baby boy wearing an “I will change the world” t-shirt. 

After inexplicably going viral, the post attracted much more hate than positivity regarding the mother’s optimist outlook for her son’s life. Among the many comments saying that the post was offensive to actual human rights activists were brutal remarks such as “goo goo, gaa gaa isn’t going to fix the wage gap” and “I bet he can’t even lift his head off the ground during tummy time.” 

A few even went as far as trolling the post with parody photos. Some of the most popular included a goldfish claiming to be able to single handedly put an end to credit card fraud and a rotting sidewalk hotdog with a speech bubble containing the words “I know the cure for the common cold.”

But the Facebook mom didn’t go down without a fight. Retaliating at the top of every hour with a new photo of her baby wearing an additional article of “I will change the world” clothing, Facebook soon became the battlegrounds of a type of war far too complex for human understanding. 

Forces backing the Facebook mom were small but mighty. Their motivation stemming from their “never-ending and unconditional love” for the world’s youth, the army of mostly stay-at-home parents were adamant in their efforts for “a better future.” But the opposing troops remained stubborn in their fight to suppress “stupid shit” from “clogging” their “innocent Facebook toilet bowl.” 

Though neither side of the battle shows sign of letting up, the Facebook baby seems to be quietly involved with the startup of an international campaign to end cyberbullying. Though literally buried in a heap of controversial clothing, the initiative’s legal documents are somehow smudged with banana puree and spit up … Will the answers to this complex human conflict lie in the stubby hands of a young-babe-turned-war-hero?

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