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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
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Devilish candy corn staring you down intensely, daring you to have a taste while it collects dust in your mother's decorative Halloween dish.

Despite tireless production, candy corn sits untouched on shelves for yet another year

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After thorough investigation this spooky season, it is with deep regret that the Almanac reports that candy corn is still indeed a thing. Every grocery and convenience store surveyed in Madison carried the vile candy even though most of the store shelves that they occupied were gathering copious amounts of dust. A few were even covered in cobwebs.

There has only been two candy corn sales this month in the state of Wisconsin, and the issue has become the center of debate. Facing pressure from environmentalists and traditionalists, politicians have been attempting to respond to their outcry.

“It’s just a waste of resources at this point,” a self-proclaimed environment-lover said. “You know, some people are starving.”

Halloween-traditionalists look down upon the critics, claiming that candy corn is an integral symbol of Halloween. Further, eradication of the candy would go against the “spirit of All Hallows’ Day.” That is, however, because “its existence in itself is foul and wicked.”

Though both sides have reached the consensus that candy corn is abominable, one of the most controversial topics of discussion at the Oct. 15 democratic debate was whether or not it should be banned in the U.S.. The politicians were generally split on the issue, many were surprised by the response of candidate Joe Biden.

“Candy corn?” Biden said. “Isn’t that the stuff that sits in my mom’s decorative Halloween bowls?” 

Reducing it to a mere Halloween frill, Biden single-handedly questioned the cultural impact of the treat, and candy corn officials were left aghast. 

“Oh for heaven’s sake!” an official stated in a press release. “Business has gotten so bad that we had to resort to paying stores to carry our product. And for what?! For you to all complain about it?!? Remove any and every reference to candy corn from your Halloween decor until you are ready to be grateful … Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”

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