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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022

Well-known chain coffee shop's disappointing rewards program forces members to redefine 'loyalty'

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

“In my book, loyalty is a two-way street,” “My cheating ex-husband has more integrity,” and “Capitalism must die!” are just a few of the remarks from frustrated members of a well-known chain coffee shop’s loyalty program. 

The coffee shop, which has a net worth of $4 billion, has had obvious success in terms of retaining customers. But its loyalty program, which rewards customers with points for every purchase, has let down quite a few people. 

An especially disgruntled rewards member organized a protest at one of the franchises in his hometown. Wearing a clown costume adorned with the company’s logo, the demonstrator held two large canvas bags each marked with a dollar sign. Shaking them in the faces of passing customers, he shouted, “This amount of money will only earn you a single children’s sized hot chocolate!” or, “You are the animals in this company’s sad circus!” 

The protest wasn’t a one-man show. Though only attracting three other customers, the demonstration maintained a strong presence. Some passersby asked to hear more about their cause while others recoiled in fear. 

When asked about their frustration, they explained that for years, they “have bought drinks religiously three or four times a week, sometimes even buying a breakfast sandwich, yet still haven’t racked up enough points for a free venti-sized beverage.”

The chain coffee shop declined to comment on its sad excuse for a rewards program, but they allegedly offered “5% off your purchase of a bran muffin” coupons to the protestors as a type of peace offering. This only added to their fury. 

The protesters plan to continue their picketing until they receive proper compensation for the many dollars they spent on the chain store’s coffee, their persistence illustrating something larger than a few scorned hearts. Claiming that “you can’t put a price on loyalty, but if you could, its value would amount to much more than that of a measly cup of hot chocolate or that of 95% of the price of a bran muffin,” these damaged souls show that at least a few of us still hold high standards for humanity.

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