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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022
Self-proclaimed coffee drinker goes undetected for yet another day.

Self-proclaimed coffee drinker 'only in the game' for prestige and caramel drizzle

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

What started out as a story detailing the opening of a nearby coffee shop turned into a profound discovery: a self-proclaimed coffee drinker who is “only in the game” for the prestige and caramel drizzle.

While surveying the premises, the subject stood out amongst the other seemingly content customers. Identified by the look of disgust and disappointment plastered on their face, the subject was also deemed “conspicuous” by the way they dramatically spewed a mouthful of their beverage into the pot of a closeby plant. When asked about their obvious dissatisfaction, the subject looked up with a smile and said, “Oh, it's just that I accidentally got some of the coffee in my mouth.” 

“I just don’t understand how people can manage the offensive, vile, downright HORRIFIC flavor of coffee,” they ventured. After cursing the beverage a bit further, the subject sighed and took another sip from her coffee-containing-cup. 

“Yes, I know what you’re thinking… ‘I’m a hypocrite.’ But the caramel drizzle makes the occasional sip of coffee sooo worth it!” the subject exclaimed. “It takes practice aiming the straw perfectly over a clump of caramel, but sucking it up with the correct velocity is what takes the most skill and precision.” 

Though seemingly inefficient, both in terms of money and time, the self-proclaimed coffee drinker made it clear that caramel was just the tip of the iceberg: to them, “five dollars is hardly a sacrifice,” and the daily expenditure is actually “a low key flex” and essential to the kind of image they hope to convey to others. Referring to an aura of power and prestige that a person can achieve when flaunting a cup of coffee, it seems that it all comes down to enjoying the “benefits” of being a coffee drinker without actually having to be one. 

Though proud to share the details behind their “pioneering work” at local coffee shops, the subject wished to remain anonymous because of their “controversial stance” on coffee. 

With the concluding words “I mean, who wants coffee shits?” the subject hopes that this story will inspire at least one person in their “pursuit of clout and an improved sense of self.” 

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