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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
Insightful horoscopes for the week.


All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Lucky you! Somehow, Venus took Mercury’s coveted title of the “closest planet to the sun.” This seemingly impossible event occurring during Virgo season must mean that it’s time for you to achieve your life’s dream. Don’t quit your day job, but if Venus can do THAT, finally mastering the science behind meal prep might not be too far-fetched.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

The Big Dipper’s rebellion against the North Star is really heating up, and this will greatly affect your sense of self. But, an identity crisis may be just what you need. Just know that there is celestial reasoning behind your possible urge to try a wild new hairstyle, to drive around the same traffic circle several times or to change your name and flee the country.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It has been confirmed by none other than Pluto herself that “a storm’s a brewin...” within your heart. Though it is unclear whether that means love or hate, it is important that you embrace your passion this moon cycle. Who knows? Maybe you will finally realize your enthusiasm for cosplay or your fury towards former King Rudolph I of Germany.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) 

Meteor showers near Neptune can only mean bad news for you: your close friends and family will deceive you. Unless...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

To make a long story short, Corona Borealis is at odds with Orion. As a result, you will not only be surrounded by electric energy, but it will run through your veins. For you, this could be a blessing in disguise. Channel the spirit of the Greek god of the sky and controller of lightning, Zeus. Preserve this energy through October, and you may just have the best, most terrifying, Halloween costume.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

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After years of investigation and experimentation, the stars have finally published the data from their research study. Though vague, their main finding is astonishing: people are, in fact, wrong about you. 

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) 

Well, well, well. If it isn’t the most-wanted sign in the solar system. The stars have been talking, and they are disappointed. Get back in their good graces by purchasing a telescope, or at the very least, by pointing at the Big Dipper every night. 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your life has been lacking excitement, and it’s time to take a break from your monotonous day-to-day activities. Let down your hair by dusting off the ol’ Easy Bake Oven or by becoming TikTok famous.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Don’t go barking up the wrong tree, especially as Centaurus finishes its ambitious quest across the Milky Way. The stars can guarantee your safety only after your house is boarded up and stocked with nonperishable goods. To make the best of it, consider purchasing a Hulu membership. After all, you will surely exhaust Netflix’s selection during your many weeks of hiding.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It’s not your fault that you’re the most hated astronomical sign. But the stars claim its time to act boldly in order to finally gain some respect for yourself. In order to do so, consider resurrecting Mufasa from “The Lion King,” finding a way to get the movie “Trolls” back on Netflix, or eradicating climate change.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It is time to become more in touch with nature. Start small by printing a coloring page depicting your favorite landscape or buying an artificial succulent. But if you’re really up for a challenge, you could stand in the rain without an umbrella or hold the tree pose for an extended period of time.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) 

Did you know that a cat has nine lives? Being a Leo, the astrological sign represented by the mythological Nemean lion, I would take this fact to heart when deciding if that piece of fruit on your plate is edible or if that container is really microwave safe. 

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