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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, January 27, 2023

Soccer mom of five from Waukegan, Wisconsin works to censor the "vulgar" and "obscene" lyrics of today's music.

Waukegan to Dub a New National Anthem

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

“With today’s technology children are being exposed to copious amounts of music with vulgar and obscene lyrics”, said Karen Stevens, a soccer mom of five from Waukegan, Wisconsin. Karen was horrified by the music she heard from the radio in her Honda Odyssey one morning when dropping her son off at school. 

“It was so explicit, like something out of a slasher flick!” Karen was of course referring to the lyrics of the National Anthem. Karen is the head of Waukegan’s local branch of the “Good lyrics for the Holy Spirit” organization. 

During her lunch break she listens to various radio stations taking note of songs with intense content. She then writes to the main branch of the organization and requests for a cleaner version of the song to be dubbed over and sent to the local stations. 

Karen has successfully quarantined songs such as Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” for depicting a caliber pistol being fired to pierce the heart of an ex-lover. The dubbed over version played on Waukegan stations describes more of a “jab to the heart” in the context of a friendly boxing match with a same-sex friend. 

“The National Anthem was even more violent than that,”  Karen said. She points out specific lines in her case against this war themed song like “the rocket’s red glare” and “our flag was still there.” Karen cites gang violence in Compton, LA in her condemning of the song. “Los Angeles has a lot of gangs and they use these flags to signify their territory. Red-glared rockets and flags are denotative of this violence and I don’t want my kids listening to that type of music.”

In an effort to protect their children’s fragile ears, many locals have backed Karen up in these sentiments with a Waukegan Facebook poll garnering 17 votes against the song’s spin time. Karen is currently filing a complaint with the organization now and when asked about lyrics she does approve, she said she’ll “take anything as long as it doesn’t have that hip hop mumbo jumbo the last one did.” 

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