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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022

Mr. Ratburn seeks peaceful vengeance by planning his gay rat honeymoon in the walls of Alabama Public Television headquarters.

Mr. Ratburn regrets controversy caused by his gay rat wedding, plans for vengeance including a bigger gay rat honeymoon

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The same-sex marriage featured in a recent episode of the children’s cartoon television show, Arthur, sparked much conversation across the nation. 

The brief scene that shows one of the main characters, Mr. Ratburn, walking down the aisle arm-in-arm with another man caused Alabama Public Television to block the airing of the episode. Mark McKenna, the director of programming at APT, commented that the network aims to provide programs that “entertain, educate, and inspire” and that airing a “gay rat wedding” would break the trust of the parents of children who watch APT programs. 

In doing so, it seems the television network also aims to raise a hateful, traditionalist generation of viewers that will further plague the South. 

Though the country has been heavily focused on APT’s response to the episode, an exclusive interview with Mr. Ratburn himself reveals some much-needed perspective from the other side. 

Disgusted that the network refuses to broadcast his wedding ceremony, Ratburn resists the temptation to stoop to the network’s level by “responding with hate.” Because openly talking about the issue would likely be too much for APT, Ratburn sought to re-patch relations by compiling his gay rat wedding photos in a Google Document to share with McKenna: “I hope the love and joy from my day can warm their stone-cold hearts.”

As the interview drew to a close, Ratburn mentioned that “if a thirty-second clip of my wedding was so offensive, I sincerely hope that Alabama is ready for the honeymoon that I’ve been working on.” To be celebrated with all the other rats in the LGBTQ+ community, Ratburn has arranged for a week full of festivities to be held in the very walls of APT’s headquarters in Birmingham. 

With the concluding words, “I hope that APT can at least find that my gay rat honeymoon entertains, educates, and inspires,” Ratburn peacefully seeks vengeance, even in the midst of some of today’s most idiotic and spiteful beliefs.

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