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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, April 12, 2021
Sam Missing.jpg

Never go full Sicko Mode, RIP Sam Jones

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

 

2019 has been a sad year for us all. With the death of Supreme being the number one outlet for Catholic fashion (now eclipsed by Fashion Nova), and the recent passing of reasonably low Ubereats handling fees, the tween pop community is left crippled and devastated in lieu of recent news. 

Almanac editor Sam Jones has disappeared. 

Witnesses say Sam was last seen leaving WSUM 91.7 FM after delivering a very passionate Earthspeak radio show on multi-use felt cloths as an alternative to toilet paper. 

Sources say she exited the station and was approached by four strange men in university housing uniforms with SOAR hats. 

She was then doused with a vinegar cleaning concoction, sucker punched and dragged into the back entrance of Gordon Dining and Event Center. 

Witnesses say they tried to file a hate and bias report but were met with stagnant responses from officials such as, “We here at the University of Wisconsin- Madison take your safety very serio… please hold *beep click.*” 

Police are currently investigating Sam’s disappearance and cite the Office of Financial Aid as their prime suspect. 

An official report has been released involving tapped phone conversations between financial aid officials colluding to kidnap Sam. 

Their motive seems to have been related to Sam’s radio show. Supposedly, Sam’s proposed multi-use cloth alternative would significantly decrease student’s miscellaneous fees by 83%. 

Voices are heard over the tapped phone recordings saying that “she must be stopped before her ideology reaches sicko mode.”

The case was pronounced cold and closed last Friday. Sam’s disappearance stays with us all and serves as a warning to never go fully into the sicko mode. 

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