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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, May 19, 2024

Local Self Defined Liberal Doesn’t Understand

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.


A few days ago, Cardinal correspondents caught wind of a political opinion scandal here on campus. When sent to investigate, they were (not) surprised to find a single woman sitting in an empty classroom in the Mosse Humanities building on Friday evening.

When asked why she had decided to occupy the room, she had this to say.

“Look, billionaires are occupying our economies and I’ve never worked a day of my life and I’m actually from California so I don’t pay state taxes even though I go to your university,” she explained with a red-faced, adolescent fervor. “So why the HECK should my parents pay money when my sorority is gonna open all the doors for me without me paying any tax money? I’m disgusted!”

After realizing average people making at least $98,000 a year pay a hefty $12,000 in taxes, the furious female had nothing to say. She merely threw “We the Living” by Ayn Rand into a fireplace and snorted obstinately. 

“Socialism is the answer,” she griped, shaking her purple/blue/green braids in the air and prompting an immediate and spontaneous allergic reaction to capitalism. “Who cares what the female who actually lived through it has to say? My blind ignorance tells me otherwise.”

Time will only tell if the defiant “liberals” of our fair city will consider reason. 

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