By Kate Geary
Understanding my reality seems impossible ever since I was raped twice my freshman year of college by two different men. I seem to have lost all emotions but one -- anger. After digging into that anger with these words, I felt liberated under its weight, understanding how the emotion manifested itself into every crevice of my life until I was consumed. May these words be as freeing for you as they were for me, or at least inspire you to find your own freedom, however that may be.
I am angry.
devastated that in one single encounter,
My life was derailed and put on hold.
Violated with such damaging force,
By a terrible being who created
traumatic experiences I did not request.
I am angry that my perspective is so skewed
Angry, that cruel men still have such a large part of me.
At my wits end with trying to change it,
I am deeply angry at my emotions
Taking constant attention from me
And leaving only the feelings of being
A wreck of a human,
An exhausted shell of who I was behind.
These biological functions consume me
And delight me all the same
So I am angry that I can’t escape them
And angry that I can’t control them.
I am angry above all
Because I don’t understand them.
I am angry at the world
For its ambiguity and fragility
that our species ignores with such ease.
I am angry that I don’t have the answers
That I can’t create world peace,
Feed the hungry,
Or create opportunities for everyone to feel empowered.
There is too much for my hands to achieve
And I am angry every moment I spend ignoring these issues
To attend to my angry self.
This anger of mine,
It could shape all my years to come
Define the choices I make
And leave me feeding the parts of my soul that I cannot control.
I am angry, but I am alive.
This burden is too heavy to bear
A load made for stronger shoulders than mine.
So I will let it fall,
Slam against the ground as gravity does its work.
I will set my anger down
And leave it on this earth
I will watch the slow rise of displaced air
And return to my beating heart.
Inhale the dust from which I came
And continue on this path
Without a map,
Without the shame.
My muscles will refocus
Each limb shaking under its new weight
As my soul fills with grace.
And I will rise,
Leaving that anger
Farther and farther behind with each pace.