almanac

"Cardinal-scopes"

Insightful horoscopes for the week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

No one can grow stronger without facing adversity. To prepare for the hardship that will be brought with the alignment of Arcturus and Saturn, consider enduring a few more difficulties this week than you normally would. Here are some suggestions: do a math problem, eat a pizza that is garnished in pineapple, or listen to Nickelback on loop.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You possess the uncanny ability to find the USB port amongst many other ports on the first try. Hone your power of foresight to become a meteorologist. There is a 10% chance of rain tomorrow, but a 99% chance of you becoming an incredibly successful weather reporter. 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

A 1.5 GPA seems within reach. With a little more effort than you’re most likely giving, this goal is easily attainable. Perhaps, instead of becoming blackout drunk by 11 p.m. every night, consider leaving to go out at 11 p.m. every night. 

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Pluto has finally aligned with the North Star, and you know what that means: you will be independently wealthy for life, no matter how you choose to live it. Drop out of school, join the Shark Tank cast, or hit the casinos! The world is now your oyster.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Your loyalty is both a blessing and a curse. To ensure that no one takes advantage of your potentially self-crippling devotion, only befriend other Leos. Interacting with any other sign could be dangerous, so avoid them at all costs.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

As you have learned from the effects caused by the mingling of Mars and Polaris, desperate times call for desperate measures. Your resourcefulness has proved its importance, and the stars now challenge you to share this quality with the world. The idea you had to use a clothespin in order to eat crunchy cheese curls in order to avoid staining your fingers could be quite deserving of a patent. 

Libra (September 23-October 22)

There is no point in involving yourself in the controversy surrounding the feud between Mercury and Neptune. Prove your neutral stance by hosting a dinner party in which you invite an equal amount of supporters from each side of the issue. Also, feature an idealized model of the solar system. 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

They say a bad excuse is better than none, and that’s what I’ll use to justify not writing your horoscope this week. Because Jupiter is at odds with Mercury, it’s a better time than ever to leave some things to nature. 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

A team is only as strong as its weakest link. Unfortunately, due to various astronomical forces, the chances of the weakest link being a Sagittarius has dramatically increased. To avoid this humiliating title, a completed Rubik’s Cube, an Olympic gold medal, or any other token of an achieved feat of strength may help your case.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Love is in the air. Don’t believe me? A dated, yet sporadically reliable online compatibility test could confirm the high chances of wooing your crush. Surely, if the results aren’t initially up to your satisfaction, an additional attempt could reveal an unforeseen harmony. You can’t buy love, but who’s to say it can’t be electronically produced? 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You may find it difficult to avoid negativity, especially as Venus collides with Neptune. Because the energy you put out into the universe will make its way back to you, consider engaging in one of the following acts of positivity: plant a sunflower, coordinate a flash mob, or resolve a deep-rooted internal conflict. 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Whether or not it is easy to admit, being the sign of the fish can have some profound impacts on your sense of identity. With the celestial traffic occurring between Saturn and Jupiter, this could be to your advantage. Don’t hesitate to embrace your ability to live in wet environments, or even that cold-blooded approach you take on life, this moon cycle. 

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