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Restless Republicans Pitch New Immigration Plans Amidst Shutdown

Despite Democrats previously stating that they refuse to negotiate with Trump until the government is opened, the Republican party has come up with new border security suggestions in a last-ditch effort to get their life-saving wall before the American public riots. 

Congress decided to hold their own sadistic version of the television show “Shark Tank”, with Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren and Steny Hoyer as the sharks. 

First representing the Republicans was Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader who is willing to do about anything to please Trump as the threat of 2020 re-election looms. 

“We are going to build a wall out of Taco Bell 12 packs,” McConnell unapologetically stated. “Think about it: what are Americans the best at? Poorly appropriating other cultures. What do other countries hate most about America? Poor cultural appropriation.” 

McConnell’s plan suggests that if the entire Southern border of the United States of America was stacked with twelve feet worth of Taco Bell, Mexican citizens will naturally refuse to enter the country and the Democrats will agree to this plan because it is “totally less racist” and “they will see they don’t have more opportunity here anyways.”

While the sharks could agree with the feasibility of this plan due to President Trump’s relationship with fast food restaurants, best shown through his generous buffet of McDonalds for the Clemson Tigers, they weren’t so convinced it would be effective. 

Next up was Mitt Romney, who suggested that, as an extension of DACA, Mexican children may enter the United States. That is, if their parents are willing to “trade” their own kiddos for American children in the foster system. 

While this plan was quickly shut down, Romney swears that his plan has “extreme merit” and is a “two birds, one stone situation.” 

Remaining plans included Hagedorn’s endorsement of a “human wall, manned with AK-47s” since it would “create jobs and gangs will sell their guns to the government”, Thune’s suggestion of a Simpsons-style bubble around Mexico that they “will actually pay for”, and McCarthy’s idea to “rationally think about the repercussions of a wall and work alongside the Democrats to discuss our options.” 

Needless to say, no bids were made by the sharks. 

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