On Monday, Fox News viewers were introduced to “Trumpy Bear,” a stuffed bear resembling the president in attire and hairstyle. The toy even shares Donald’s shark eyes, which appear devoid of any sense of judgement or morality.
For just two payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling, Trumpsters (who are definitely well-versed in the nuances of fiscal decision-making, mind you,) can attain a Trumpy Bear and an “American flag blanket.” In the infomercial for the furry friend, MAGA patriots are depicted showing their reverence for the Stars and Stripes by yanking it unfolded out of Trumpy Bear’s spinal cavity and draping it over themselves for warmth and comfort.
Fanatics of the 45th president are also encouraged to take their plush toys not only on motorcycle joy rides, but also to the golf course (I shit you not) in order to own any libs with proximate tee-times. The ad is heavily tailored to veterans, who told me that they “absolutely adore the cute wittle guy.”
Soon after the ad aired on Fox News Channel, the cuddly doll became a hit among red-hat-donning loyalists, with thousands of units shipped to rural areas of Arkansas, Mississippi, and Idaho on proportionally sized private jets that taxpayers had to foot the bill for somehow. Trumpy Bear’s unprecedented success has prompted the release of an entire new line of stuffed animals, called “All the Best People,” that Trump’s enablers will be able to collect just in time for the holiday season.
Among them is the “Michael Cohen Weasel,” which comes fully equipped with a pre-installed recording device for all of the user’s evidence-gathering needs, and a complimentary paper-shredder for “all that pesky evidence that you just can’t swallow.” He’s accompanied by “Paul Manafort the Tax-Dodging Magpie,” which the buyer can accessorize with an ostrich jacket, a fur lined coat, a limited-edition Rolex watch, and for a limited time only, even a pair of mini wing-cuffs.
The inventors of “Trumpy Bear” also plan to grace conservatives with a pair of female fluffy toys: the “Hillary Clinton Voodoo Doll” and the “Stormy Daniels Horse.” Execs added that we are likely to see “Trumpy Bear 2.0” in the near future, which will come decked out with a string on its back that when pulled will cause the new bear to emit racist vitriol and incessant lies in fourth-grade-level English.
With DJT’s future now uncertain thanks to the largest Democratic gains in the House since Nixon resigned 40 years ago, Trumpniks can at least be confident that the future of Trumpy Bear is bright.
