UW Madison sophomore Fineas Anpherb was reportedly lost for words Election Day evening after discovering that there was in fact no referendum on Wisconsin’s infamously poor road conditions.
“Man, I’m super shook right now,” the young political science major said last night, disheveled hair betraying his state of shock. “I saw literal planes pulling a banner around the other week, complaining about the state’s potholes.” He continued, visibly upset: “I really thought this was a hot button topic, but instead I’m filling in bubbles for all this random crap I’ve never heard of. Like, what even is an attorney general, you know? A militaristic lawyer?”
Our sources say Anpherb just couldn’t let it go, continuing his line of thought with his roommate later that night. “While I was driving to the polls, I hit a bump in the road and my coffee spilled all over my car. It was just like in those scary YouTube ads I keep getting! I don’t even care about legalizing weed, I just want a stain-free car, man.”
Fortunately, the embattled student found some measure of closure in the rest of the ballot. “I’m fed up with driving on these awful roads, man. I’m just glad that Scott Walker guy is running for office, with a name like that you know he’d sooner walk than drive over those darn potholes. He’s got my vote.” Truly a wonderful thing to see the youth of this great nation so invested in American politics.
