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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, March 29, 2024
Daily Cardinal Softball

Cardinal staffers have long been practicing their celebration moves for when they inevitably win again this Saturday. 

Gentle Clowns accused of theft as they try (and fail) to steal Dirty Birds’ softball crown

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Scandal has broken out days before the annual Daily Cardinal/Badger Herald softball game, with multiple sources confirming that the Herald has taken the unprecedented step of stealing Cardinal plays and strategies.

After ripping off the Cardinal’s news stories, feature stories, photos, graphics, arts stories, opinion stories, sports stories and ads, it appears the Herald figured they might as well extend their content strategy to its logical conclusion and also steal The Dirty Bird’s softball plans.

“The good news is that, because the Herald copies our news stories three weeks late, they’ll probably show up to play in the softball game sometime in mid-June,” said City News Editor Max “I May Be Toothless But My Journalism Isn’t” Bayer. “So we’ll win by default.”

Despite the subterfuge by the Herald, Cardinal staffers remain supremely confident that they will extend their journalistic dominance to the softball field. Star pitcher Ben “I’m Probably Better than Anyone in The Yankees’ Bullpen” Pickman is expected to get the ball Saturday and Photo Editor B. Moe will be looking to make a Kwik Trip around the bases (and don’t even ask for the discount).

“I’ve been too busy building another Action Project website and drawing weird pictures in the office to break down the softball game,” Jack “Arsenal Award” Kelly said. “But I feel like we’re going to win the Europa League.”

The Cardinal will have unexpected depth with the addition of not just Cameron Lane-Flehinger, but also his counterparts Cameron Lane-Flehigner, Cameron-Lane Flehinger, Cameron Lane-Fletchinger and Camereon Lain-Flehinger.

“Yeah brah, with the addition of all these Lane/Lain-Flehinger/Flehinger/Fletchingers, the Cardinal truly runs on Dunkin’,” said College Editor Maggie “Big Swan” Chandler, while denying she’s ever dated any of them.

We checked the roster and somehow the Perry Ellis of the Cardinal, Tommy “This Herald Story Has Strong Similarities To Mine” Valtin-Erwin, still has one game of eligibility remaining, meaning he will feature in the chug off on Senior Day.

But it's not just the upperclassmen. Fresh faces, including Arts Editor Allison “YAY SPORTS” Garfield, Almanac Editor Savannah “I Swear That Isn’t A MAGA Hat“ McHugh and Copy Chief Erin “Deep In The Heart of Texas” Jordan are projected to add a new dimension to the Cardinal dynasty.

“The Cardinal is already great, so we’re going to join with our awesome staff members and take things one step further: We’re going to ‘make the Cardinal Sam again,’” incoming management team “Slammin” Sammy Gibbons and Copy Sam Nesovanovic said in a joint statement.

“The Herald can steal our stuff as much as they want. But they can never steal our 126 years of ass-kicking,” said current Editor-In Chief Madeline “Is It Cause I’m a Woman” Heim, before turning and pointing at her obnoxious managing editor and saying “BAM!” [bell ring].

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