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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, September 30, 2023
Toilet paper

The single-ply papermash disintegrates on impact, rendering it nearly useless.

UW toilet paper almost as fragile as senior’s masculinity

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

According to Sewell Social Sciences men’s room sources, the university-supplied toilet paper used to wipe the bum of senior Peter Olson is so fragile, it rivaled his masculinity complex in terms of frailty.

The economics major, who refers to his friendships with men as bromances, accidentally pierced the bath tissue with two of his fingers post-shit during one of many passages necessitated by the inadequate paper.

“That’s the closest anything has ever come to going up my ass,” Olson said. “No homo.”

The toilet tissue was none other than UW-Madison’s standard-issue one-ply, infamous among campus wipers for its shockingly thin structure. In addition to being just one-ply in thickness, the sheets are rather coarse and known to cause hemorrhoids.

Despite the extremely fragile composition of UW’s mass-distributed toilet sheet, the materials science department have found it to be just slightly more secure than Olson is in his sexuality.

“The university’s toilet tissue breached under even the softest tests of stress and tension,” materials science and engineering department chair Paul Voyles said. “But the male subject will refrain from using a urinal adjacent to another man at all costs.”

Olson — who owns several NBA jerseys of retired and active players — tweeted “#notallmen” in response to a female classmate’s post about sexual assault whilst seated on the toilet in the Social Sciences building just prior to using the aforementioned toilet paper.

Olson’s bath tissue at home is two-ply. It is accompanied by a variety of Axe products marketed towards men, including hair gel which Olson applies liberally.

At press time, Olson was considering cutting creatine from his diet in order to avoid using UW toilet paper as frequently.

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