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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, December 01, 2023

A Guide to Being an Armchair Activist

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

1. Mark yourself as ‘Interested’ in local protests

Don’t feel obligated to actually show up to the rallies. Simply clicking that magic golden star will let your Facebook comrades know how much you care. 

Pro Tip: If you share a video of the protest the next day, your out-of-town friends might assume you actually went!

2. Doodle Black Lives Matter in bubble letters during lectures

The beauty of this approach is that it accomplishes little to nothing, but three to five anonymous peers might see it over your shoulder and realize what a social justice warrior you are. 

3. Check in to Standing Rock  

The whole tricking-the-police thing may be over, but checking in is still a great way to let your Facebook friends know that you’re hip with the newest causes.

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4. Like petitions you see on Facebook 

Make sure not to share–much less sign–the petitions. Simply notify your friends that you care about the world by clicking the little blue hand.

Pro Tip: Hover your mouse over the hand and click the pink heart when it appears to show that you’re extra sensitive. 

5. Bring up Harambe’s Death as often as possible

Many unarmed citizens died at the hands of law enforcement officers this year. Make sure to remind your peers how much less infuriating their deaths were than a gorilla’s. 

6. Post about your shock at the election results

There’s nothing more important than flooding your friends’ echo chambers with another reminder of just how out of touch you were with the world outside of said chamber. 

7. Share Leonardo DiCaprio’s new climate change movie

It’s over an hour long so you can be pretty sure no one will pause their catatonic scrolling long enough to actually watch it, but it’s an efficient way to teach them about your Lorax-level commitment to the environment.  

8. Share an article about safety pins 

Be careful not to actually wear the safety pin, as you might inadvertently lend support to marginalized students. Sharing the article will do just fine. 

9. Write a one to two paragraph Facebook rant (or a stream of six to eight tweets) about your dismay for the future of the country

Don’t feel the need to bring awareness to any specific issues. Simply let the world know that you understand something is going wrong and someone should do something about it. 

Pro Tip: Start Facebook rants with “I never post anything about politics” so your friends know how important the post must be to warrant breaking your cardinal rules of social media. 

10. Denounce those moving to Canada 

Show the world that your benevolent soul is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to keep your life exactly the same as it has always been–for the sake of the country, of course. 

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