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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, July 31, 2021

Between the Sheets: How to have your hottest summer yet—the dirty deets

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Well sweet baby Badgers, it’s been another one for the books. What better way to procrastinate studying for finals than by reading about how to make summer of 2k16 the steamiest one yet? 

First, like we all know from every summertime rom-com ever made, getting it on in the water is the sexiest, most summery thing we can do, and there is an 82 percent chance it will turn us all into actual merpeople. 

Sexy as it may be, water can wash away our natural lubrication and actually make sex trickier. Luckily, we can count on our pal silicone lube to keep things slippery, even in the wettest of conditions.  

We should keep in mind that if we move from sea to sheets, silicone lube can stain, so it’s wise to lay down a towel before going at it. 

Also, water and condoms don’t play nice. If we rely on condoms for pregnancy and/or STI prevention, we should have an alternate plan for keeping ourselves and our partners in the clear during aquatic sexy-time. One way we can work around this barrier to barriers is by using water activities as foreplay, so that by the time we make it to dry land it’s all systems go.

Kissing, handjobs, fingering, oral sex and just general sensual rubbing of body parts can all be great options for water play. 

We could scale back even further and start a sexy water game with our partner outdoors that transitions indoors. Think suggesting washing the car and getting playful, starting a water balloon fight, or even something as simple as stealing the garden hose and instigating some mischief. 

If we find ourselves in the shower we should remember that the floor can get quite slippery—especially if we’re using silicone lube—and falling down could be not only a huge buzz kill, but it could also potentially cause a serious injury. If we plan on using our showers to hook up this summer, it may be wise to invest in a rubber bath mat to avoid explaining how we wrecked ourselves. 

Messing around in water is a great high-sensation way to get jiggy, but there are oodles of other textures and temperatures to experiment with.  

Any time we play with temperature and texture we are adding another level to the sensory experience that will change how we interact with our partners. As per my earlier suggestion, switching from the smooth, cool water of a pool or shower to a warm, fluffy towel right out of the dryer is likely to give everyone goosies. 

Choosing the sensory elements of where we hook up can have a definite effect on the overall experience. Picking a cool tile floor or granite countertop, versus a warm sandy beach or cushy couch not only changes the physical sensations we feel on our bodies, but also the general vibe. We should plan accordingly based on what sort of atmosphere we’re looking to conjure. 

For example, if we’re looking to have a tender, romantic evening with our sweetie, we might choose a more cozy location like a fluffy blanket fort on the floor. On the other hand, the firm top of a washing machine might be the ideal locale for a quick and passionate romp with an old high-school flame. 

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In addition to picking the right scene for the mood, we can also play with other elements of temperature and texture. One great trick for a steamy summer hookup we can try is blindfolding our partners and tracing an ice cube down their spine, chest, inner thighs or wherever else we please. 

When our bodies are aroused our skin becomes much more sensitive. This means that everyday items that might feel just okay most of the time can feel extremely arousing when we’re already turned on. If ice seems to be too intense or just not quite the right stimulant we might try a feather, metal necklace or whatever else we have lying around that we think might feel good. 

If we don’t seem to have any helpful items at our disposal, we can always rely on our most classic temperature toy: our breath! Experiment with blowing cool air by forming the lips into a small “O” shape or producing warmer breath with a more open-mouthed technique. We may find that our mouths are the most effective temperature tool of all. 

Any time we play with temperature, we should make sure to keep an extra close eye on our partners to gauge their reactions. Sometimes high-sensation activities can transition from super fun to a little too much very quickly, but as long as we’re giving them our full attention we can avoid pushing beyond limits. 

This is also a great time to practice continual consent through dirty talk by using our sexiest voices to ask our partners questions like “does that feel good?” and “do you want me to keep going?” These questions are not only fun and playful, but essential to making sure everyone is getting as much pleasure out of the experience as possible.

Another fun thing we may want to give a whirl this summer is incorporating food into our sex lives. Fruits are perfect foods to start off with because they are visually beautiful, they taste great and they are generally low-maintenance when it comes to cleanup. 

Not only are fruits a treat for the bedroom, but they even make our cum taste better! What you’ve heard about pineapple is true (psst, it makes cum taste yummy for those of us in the dark), although it’s not just pineapple. Any fruit with lots of water content and natural sugars will hydrate us and make our bodily fluids taste sweeter. 

One fun game we can play with food this summer is to take a citrus fruit of our choosing—lemon, orange, grapefruit, etc.—and squeeze the juice onto different parts of our body without our partners present. Then, we can tell our partners it’s their mission to find the flavor and sit back as they travel our bodies with their tongues—it’ll be better than six flags.

Fruits are fun and healthy, but we gotta give it up to the sexiest/yummiest/stickiest summer treat of all: the s’more. Little did Reverend Graham know when he invented the Graham cracker that it would be combined with melty chocolate and gooey marshmallow to become the instigating snack of many a summer fling. Graham intended the snack to be bland so as to curb and suppress one’s sexual appetite. Jokes on you, Graham! 

My personal suggestion is to snuggle up with a cutie at a bonfire, grab a s’more and suck face by the moonlight, yum! 

Well, friends. The time has come for me to send you off into the world. Thank you for a glorious year of letting me share my sexy tips, tricks and puns. I wish you all the hottest of summers, and I look forward to seeing you tan cuties in the fall. 

Considering writing an short erotic novel this summer, but nervous you don’t have the chops? OK, that is so weird, because Anna is too and she feels the same way! Email her about it at

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