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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Self-conscious rower reminds himself he’s a Division 1 athlete, for Christ’s sake

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

UW-Madison freshman Chuck Swansy had a stark realization early Monday morning when he found that his newfound title of third string oarsman did little to improve his reputation on campus.

Swansy joined the rowing team with hopes of elevating himself to an elite social level that most of his classmates would never achieve. As of late, he’s developed concerns that his peers are not respecting his self-ascribed social status. Swansy told Cardinal reporters Tuesday that even when wearing his team-issued jacket, pants, shoes and boxers, his peers failed to recognize his social clout.

According to reports, Swansy received a flyer that the rowing team was looking for recruits to fill empty spots during the offseason. He felt confident that his ability to tread water for at least 20 minutes (double the required minimum) made him a strong contender for the position.

When asked about the capability of the new recruit, the coach informed reporters that he is “a male student between 4-foot-11 and 7-foot-2. The exact physical proportions we need.”

After attending his first team meeting at the Porter Boathouse, Swansy was sized by team managers for his prized social symbol: the beloved team jacket. Reflecting on the event, Swansy said “it was at that moment I knew it was real, I was now a big man on campus.”

Sources close to Swansy say he acted in an unusual manner over the weekend. Prior to his commitment to the team he had mostly been a recluse, preferring to spend his time playing video games instead of socializing with his peers. Last weekend however, numerous sources on the team say he texted them asking “Where the party @ bruh?  lookin to get my drink on.” 

When his mass text failed, Swansy attempted to attend a party at a UW fraternity, but was not allowed inside, though he did enjoy his evening on the porch.

He told reporters that it was not until his jacket failed to garner widespread admiration from other students that he noticed something was amiss. 

“I expected life as a student-athlete to be so much easier. I mean, everyone respects the athletes like crazy, look how many people watched the basketball games, and I am just like them now!” 

He went on to express that he was concerned others didn’t treat him differently simply because they weren’t aware he was an athlete. 

At press time, Swansy was spotted walking away from a female classmate muttering “Come on man, you’re a D1 athlete for Christ’s sake!”

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