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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

How to carve out some sexy time while giving thanks

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

While being home for the holidays might temporarily relieve some academic pressure, it can cause a buildup of sexual tension. Something about high caloric foods and having a little free time lowers inhibitions and brings back those urges that midterms suppressed for too long.

For the lucky ducks who get to have their sweety at home with them, getting satisfaction is as easy as closing the door and turning up the Netflix. If the quarters are just too close for comfort it might be time to relive high school glory days and recline in the backseat of the minivan. This might not sound ideal, but the excitement of sneaking away for some one-on-one time will have those windows steamed up lickety-split. Maybe even throw on a playlist from the teenage dream years or do some football player/cheerleader roleplay (or football player/football player or cheerleader/cheerleader or whatever wonderful mix of those roles is the hottest).

The shower is also an easy and private spot to slip away for some R&R, whether a partner is included or not.

Depending on family dynamics and rules about locking doors, the shower can be a great place to sneak in some sexy time. Since everyone has to shower and mornings are a time when people tend to be doing their own thing, Mom and Dad might just not notice. Break out the old boom box for some extra sound and enjoy the steamy escape.

If shower sex is on the docket over the holidays, don’t forget some trusty lube to make things delightfully slippery. Water-based lubricants wash away, meaning they’re pretty much useless for water play. This is when silicone lube becomes a best friend for reducing friction and making dreams come true. But, if real deal alone time pops up remember that silicone lube can stain sheets so switching back to water based lube might be best for avoiding a tricky conversation with mom about how the sheets got ruined.

If honey is away or nonexistent it’s time to get thankful solo style.

Use the heap of sleep-inducing turkey that was just consumed as an excuse to head to the bedroom for a “nap” (then do anything but).

It’s a good idea to be as discreet as possible when jacking or jilling off while relatives are within earshot. Just like with partnered activity, turning up the Netflix can be a great way to mask moans and avoid a Thanksgiving snafu.

For those who love some good vibrations but don’t want family overhearing what all the buzz is about, bringing home a quiet vibe can be helpful. Making a quick run to A Woman’s Touch before the trip home will provide tons of options for small and virtually silent toys. If it is too late to fit this in, make an excuse about Christmas shopping and find a local sex shop that carries quiet vibes.

In addition to being quiet, many toys are even designed to be almost unrecognizable as a sex toy. If the fear of mom or sis finding a phallic friend is too real it might be a good idea to invest in a more inconspicuous toy, such as a this vibrator that looks like a toothbrush which can be found at A Woman’s Touch. Many stores carry this and other unassuming toys such as leaf vibrators.

Thanksgiving break is like a pregame for winter break so don’t forget to stock up on black Friday and cyber Monday. In store and online deals don’t just apply to sweaters and TVs, take this time to find all the sexy products for pleasuring a partner or oneself. It’s time to give thanks and treat yo’ self!

What’s on the plate for Thanksgiving: assess the situation and find little windows to get satisfied. A quickie in the shower while the ‘rents freak about all the relatives who are about to show up is a golden opportunity. Remember in any sexy situation that happens while at home to either increase the volume of “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” or keep it quiet and use toys that do the same. Stash away a favorite toy or two while packing and don’t forget to stop by Sex Out Loud’s office at 333 East Campus Mall to load up on all the condoms and lube a little heart could desire.

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