Chances are this Hallow’s Eve resulted in “hooking up” for bunches of Badgers. Whether that hooking up involved snogging a Scooby Doo, boning a skeleton or making a kitty say “meow” is up to interpretation.
Describing something as “hooking up” allows individuals to disclose as much or as little about their encounter as they please. One could simply leave it at that, or go on to describe what deeds were done.
Sometimes one night with an appealing stranger is exactly what we need and we shouldn’t be judged for that. But, it is important to be able to self-identify what it is that we really want out of our weekends so that we can avoid a sinking feeling on Sunday.
We’ve been sold the idea that “everyone experiments in college” and it is doing all of us a great disservice. College is all about new experiences, but just as no two Badgers have the exact same academic exploits, there is no single collegiate experie nce when it comes to experimenting.
While “hooking up” is defined on a personal level, hookup culture implies sexual acts exchanged between two people—oftentimes strangers—and then a total lack of communication.
Drinking culture and hookup culture are so closely tied it is almost impossible to separate the two. Oftentimes, hooking up or making out with someone at a party is the main motivation for drinking in the first place—otherwise it’s just a bunch of drunk, sweaty people in a room pretending to know the lyrics to pop songs.
We use terms like “wheeling” or “spitting game” when a boy is clearly seeking out a sexual encounter (stereotypically with a female), but the closest equivalent terms for a girl doing the same thing would be her “going after” someone or being “all up on his dick”—this terminology sets clear messages that boys are doing what’s natural by seeking out sex, but girls are desperate or overbearing if they do the same.
Hookup culture categorizes boys as people who seek out sex and girls as people who dress up and then wait to be sought out. This dichotomy casts men as predators and women as victims—a system that isn’t working for anyone. This campus is much more than just “boys” and “girls” and we need to recognize that a system where some seek and some are sought ignores far too much.
What do we want and why aren’t we getting it?
If the current way we hook up isn’t really giving us what we want, why do we keep doing it? We do it because the high levels of stress we endure every day lead us to seek out equally or more intense weekend experiences. We do it because commitment means time and time is a precious commodity. We do it to feel instant gratification: to feel as though we are somehow being repaid for the money we spent on clothes and alcohol. We do it because it is exhilarating and pleasurable (sometimes).
We’ve bought into the idea that one must go out into the world crop-topped or salmon-shorted, veins lubed with vodka, in the pursuit of a pair of lips and whatever other parts they seek. This framework means the only type of sexy night we are allowed to have goes: meet a stranger, do sexual things with said stranger, then actively avoid them for the remainder of our time here.
Part of defining what hooking up means on a personal level is understanding our own needs. Seeking only one type of interaction, one type of touch, ignores the complexity of the things we crave. Taking time to interpret our own emotions and feelings as to what would give us the most satisfaction is important for having positive experiences here.
There are a few reasons we might find ourselves feeling less than footloose and fancy-free after a night out. If we wake up wondering what went wrong it could be for a few reasons...
Misguided skin hunger: Skin hunger is when we really need the touch of another person, but not necessarily of a sexual nature. Basically, we’re all just a bunch of infants who need our moms to snuggle us. Perhaps some of us have cracked the code and found a way to get enough cuddles at college, but I suspect many of us would have to think for at least a moment or two if asked when the last time we touched someone (in a platonic way) for 10 seconds or more was. When what we really need is to simply be close to another person, we might find ourselves feeling unsatisfied by a brief and random sexual encounter. It could be the case that hugging our friends or a night of platonic cuddling soothes the soul in a way that casual sex could not.
Succumbing to natural momentum: More than a few of us have probably been in a situation where kissing had us feeling on top of the world, so when asked if we wanted to do more we said yes, only to realize that we would have been totally satisfied by locking lips for another hour. Fear of killing a fun time or scaring someone away can sometimes make us “just go with it,” when we should have said, “No, I just really want to keep kissing you.” I’m not advocating for only kissing and nothing more, but rather for deciding what we want and not being persuaded otherwise by fear of ruining the moment.
Looking for love in all the wrong places: Sometimes a hookup is the only way to scratch that itch we just can’t take care of on our own, but searching for the next love of our life in a dimly lit basement sets us up for failure. While there are probably at least a few lovely couples on this campus who met each other on a night out, more often than not meeting someone at a party is the first and last time two people interact. The lottery style of meeting people at parties does not put the odds in our favor when it comes to meeting someone with similar interests. Getting involved with organizations and groups on campus that we are interested in is a better place to start when seeking a genuine connection.
First impressions are not everything: The glow of the blacklight and the solo cup in our hand may have us pining over hunnies who we would shy away from in the light of day. It’s not a matter of being picky, but rather knowing what we want and not letting ourselves feel let down if none of the party people we met last night were a good fit. Even if we’re not looking for a partner in life, we should keep in mind what is important when choosing our partner for the night. Does it matter to me if this person and I disagree about political issues (for example, a woman’s right to choose)? If something doesn’t go as planned will they be kind and helpful, or run for the door? What is important is not the answers to the questions themselves, but that we thought about them.
Making sense of it all
Hooking up and hookup culture are two different things. While we get to decide for ourselves what it means to hook up with someone, hookup culture is something surrounding us. Deciding what we want and need is important for feeling satisfied with our Saturday, rather than wondering why we don’t feel the skip in our step we expected. Whatever we choose to do we should feel good about it, and if we do not feel good it is in our power to readjust and get what we deserve.
Got your dong stuck in a pumpkin? Anna doesn’t want to know about that, but she’ll answer your other questions at sex@dailycardinal.com
