1. Love the dining hall food
The dining hall food is what now keeps you alive, so learn to fantasize about that glob of carbohydrates and protein. Imagine your dining hall is your home, so walking around in boxers with no shirt on is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged.
2. Do not floorcest
From the first day you set foot on the comforting, carpeted floor, you will be tempted to hook up with it. Although the attraction will be overwhelming, do not have sex with your floor, it is an inanimate object and should not be touched by anything other than your feet.
3. Subscribe to Netflix
Netflix is your new wife. Love her, cherish her and sacrifice your roommate to her.
4. Appropriate attire
Scarves are key in college, and if you do not have a scarf you will be judged greatly. The best scarves are those whose thread is taken from Italy, woven by the hands of a 100 year-old monk and blessed by the shamans of Africa.
5. Shower shoes
Shower sandals protect your feet from the thick layer of bodily fluids coating the bathroom floor. It is not unusual for your sandals to mutate a pair of bloodshot eyes, so be careful not to get on your sandal’s bad side, for they know where you sleep and will not hesitate to take revenge.
