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Friday, May 24, 2024

The Dirty Bird: The protocol of a well-executed booty call

Although we may not have all done it, everyone knows what booty calls look like. Booty calls can be incessant 2 a.m. phone calls or texts that range from “U up?” to “Wanna hang?” to the ever creative “Hey.” Booty calls often have an end goal, whether it be full-on fucking, super cute cuddling or anything in between.

A booty call can be a convenient way to get laid or just a source of gratification knowing someone wants us in the middle of the night. Most often, we reach out when we’re drunk and don’t think about the consequences of any of our actions. However, there’s nothing wrong with a well-timed booty call as long as we follow a few simple rules.

Who to booty call

The first rule of booty call is you do not booty call your ex. The second rule of booty call is you do not booty call your ex. Whether we’re drunkly reaching out to fulfill emotional needs, the sex was phenomenal or we want to rekindle the relationship for good, the way to go about any of those is not late on a Saturday after chilling with your crew at the KK. Talk it out with that person, and if they only make themselves accessible late at night, they’re probably not “the one” regardless.

If we’re currently seeing someone to whom we’re emotionally attached, we should ask them how they feel about getting a late-night sexy texty before sending them willy nilly. Many people love knowing the person they’re into is thinking of them even when they’re apart, while some think of booty calls as inappropriate for “real” relationships. Just ask!

When it comes to new booty, however, sending a late-night text is one of the best ways to begin hooking up! It allows us to put our offer out on the table without many negative consequences. If we’re ignored, we move on and try for someone else instead, whether by phone or in person. And if we are texted back? Cue Marvin Gaye, and let’s get it on!

We should be discerning when it comes to who we ask to fuck us. The safest people are those with whom we’ve done it before and who expressed interest in doing it again. But take a risk! That hottie from study group? Send something casual like, “Going out tonight?” or “Where’d you end up?” If they’re responsive, and especially if they’re flirty, we’re more likely to have a chance with them than not!

When to booty call

Let’s think logically about this: 3 a.m. on the Monday of midterms week? Perhaps not. Thursday after a long night at Whiskey Jacks? That’s more like it! When we’re too shit faced to see our phones? Nope. When we’re between tipsy and drunk and want some dee or vee? Yee. Y’all get the picture.

The best time to send out a “DTF?” text, both to protect ourselves and our potential partners, is at a time we know the other person is most likely to be available and into it. If we have a regular arrangement with someone—so much so that their name is “Thursday Guy” in our phone—we should feel free to text that person on that night! If we’ve been involved with that person for multiple weeks or months, we can feel pretty safe in knowing they’ll be responsive and maybe even into our advances.

What to do if we get impatient

Waiting for a booty call to respond is a pain. We want to lock in our lay for the night and enjoy the rest of the time we have out with our friends with assured plans to look forward to. When people are out, they tend to either ignore their phones or pretend they haven’t seen any of their texts (you know, so they look super popular pulling out their phones with 20 unread messages glaring from their app).

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However, the fact of the matter is that sometimes people—especially drunk people—look at their texts, and regardless of how pleased they are to have received it or how much they want to hang out with us, they forget and continue having fun with those around them. While this royally sucks, we have to remember that everyone’s human and we shouldn’t take it as a personal offense.

How to combat the possibility of forgetfulness on the part of our future fuck friend is simply to text them again with a little reminder. I’m not saying we should angrily insinuate they’re ignoring us on purpose, or bug them incessantly until they respond, but a gentle “So… you down?” never hurt anyone, nor their chances of gettin’ it on.

How to respond to rejection

Rejected booty calls come in many forms; maybe we’ve seen that the textee has “read” our message and hasn’t responded (power move!) or they send back something nasty in their drunken stupor. Maybe we’re just ignored completely, which can feel equally crappy, especially if we know that person was planning to go out.

We should remember that just because someone doesn’t want to bone us that night doesn’t mean we’re unattractive or out of luck. There are tons of people willing and ready to get down with the get down all the time around campus, we just have to find one we like who is willing to travel to our off-campus apartment.

Being rejected also doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on our character. Maybe that person stayed in to study, or maybe they found someone who better suited their needs for that night. That doesn’t mean the possibilities with them are over forever, but it does mean that for that particular evening, it’s time to move on.

So yeah… booty calls

No matter who we are, we all have strong opinions about booty calls. Some people love ‘em, some people can’t stand ‘em! As with all things, communication is key in discerning who, what, when and how we call for some booty.

Alex only responds to booty calls if they are emails to sex@dailycardinal.com, so hit her up there and test your luck.

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